I was talking to someone tonight about "A." I was saying that I think part of what I feel in relation to him/the situation is fear that he could be the last person I will ever love in the way I loved him. Her response? A chipper, "in this lifetime!"
I apparently was doing a good job of holding back the tears, as she must not have known how painful it was for me to acknowledge that fear. I promptly and calmly said, "that's not the same." She may have realized at that moment that maybe that wasn't the best thing to say, as she said something about how it might not have been the best answer to give in the form of a New Age catch all.
It made me pull in more. I didn't want to show how vulnerable and sad I was feeling - especially given the wealth of pain I was feeling. I was in dangerous, emotional territory. We ended our conversation shortly after, and I went on to do other things.
As I was cleaning the dishes just now, it caught up with me, and I was fighting to hold back the tears until I could be in private. If I was alone in the house, I might have just let the dam burst, but I am not.
As a result, I sit here silently sniffling so that the friend I live with doesn't hear me. I know many times he wouldn't know what to do with my feelings and emotions so I try not to express them while he is around. Occasionally, like the day I got the really horrible news back in September, they come out whether I want them to, or not.
I don't know what to do with this feeling, and my guess is no one else will know, either. If anything, I will be offered platitudes that will come up empty.
As I think about my life in terms of relationships, I am really sad. There have been some really beautiful things that have happened along the way, but they have been sandwiched in between some really great pain.
I remember how, when things sucked when I lived with someone, I wondered if I would ever be in love or have sex again. It seems in some ways rather silly to think that, but the fact is that I have yet to have any relationship that even came close to the nature of that one - in both good and bad ways. Maybe I somehow knew that I would never again have something similar.
At the same time, when I realize that I did come to care about others, and have other experiences, I have the slightest bit of hope that now could be like then, and that I will find my way to someone and something special.
I have always felt that it was possible to have an incredible relationship with someone. I don't think I am delusional about it, or that it is wishful thinking, or any number of unflattering things. And yet, it has not happened. Will I leave this lifetime never having had it, or will I finally be able to stand vindicated by finding that one person/relationship that I have felt is possible to have?
I get scared I will leave empty handed in that regard. I get scared that dealing with cancer is a barrier for so many reasons to finding someone who could sign up to be with someone in my predicament. It would not even be fair to "A" to go "there," even if he wanted to, even though a part of me very much misses it.
This stuff, coupled with anxiety about money and an upcoming visit to the oncologist, is really stretching me emotionally. I feel incredibly taxed, and yet I am trying to keep it together and keep going. There are times I feel good. Life feels good. I feel optimistic. I feel like I am going to make it.
Unfortunately, though, this isn't one of them.