There is something I haven't talked about to too many people. I toy with discussing it here. It is one of the few things I haven't really touched publicly, and there are a lot of reasons for it.
One of them is my concern for being judged by others. It is ironic, really, given how much I have already shared and have been judged for. What's one more thing?
Interestingly, if those I have told have been judging me, they've done a good job of acting otherwise which makes me think that it would be OK to share about that part of my life. I had said a while ago that if I knew my life was coming to an end, I would want to share about it as I am quite proud of who I was in regard to it - despite what anyone else might think, or how I might be judged for it.
There is a lot that I got from it, and a lot that I gave to it. I have often thought I could write a book on the topic, alone. At this point, though, it would likely not get that much attention. It is something that I have been putting more and more in my past since being diagnosed, and I think it is with good reason.
I wish I knew exactly what holds me back. Right now I can only speculate as to what the reasons are. The more I write, the more I wonder if I should just get it out, once and for all. I am always saying there may not be a tomorrow, or even a next minute. Every moment I refrain is another possibility I will not get the chance to talk about it in the way I want to.
I have found so much freedom in so many other ways, and as I talk about this I have a tight feeling in my abdomen. I am going to take it to mean that I need to let it go. I need to free it from my body. The question is where to begin?