Saturday, February 22, 2014

Impression or Depression?

Impression or depression, or none of the above?

Well. I finally got out of bed. It took til nearly 3:00, but I got up. I have done a couple of things like eat, and make some coffee (to wash my hair with), sing in my head "the best part of waking up is Folger's in my cup," plant a coleus clipping, do some dishes, and am back to feeling lackadaisical.

I was thinking about how I have been doing. My appetite has changed. I have been difficulty getting to sleep, and then once I am there, I can't seem to wake up and get out of bed. I haven't done much of anything in almost any regard.

I found that the longer I was being treated with chemo and/or Avastin, the more impacted I was by it. I couldn't believe how great I felt on the road, once the Avastin wasn't so present in my body. Could it "just" be the Avastin that is making me feel this way?

Then there is the thought, too, that it could be depression. It sort of feels like depression. I am dealing with a lot, and am feeling at times overwhelmed and frustrated and a whole bunch of other not good stuff. A part of me struggles to also care about how I am feeling. It sort of feels like I could be "giving up." It sort of feels like, "what's the point?" But I am not sure it's that, either.

Add to this mix the fact that I have been doing energy work to help myself. At this point living life as fully as possible and working in any other realm that might have an impact on me are the only ways that I see potential for things getting better.

I had a pretty heavy duty session this week. In addition, I have been trying to remember to cut cords at night before I sleep. The first couple of days interesting things were happening. One of them was that I was going to the bathroom more. And, here's a warning...I am going to wander into the possible TMI range. In some ways it felt like I was letting stuff, more the sh*t, go. Saying stuff doesn't feel like it really conveys how it was and felt. Interestingly, I dropped a few pounds pretty quickly.

In the back of my mind is the fact that they're always asking me about how those types of things are working in my body. They want to know about changes, as it could be a sign of something else changing - but not necessarily in a good way. But it doesn't feel like it would be that. It actually feels like it would be the opposite of that. It feels like it is likely a good thing.

I have been processing some significant stuff, and there is still more to go. I still have things I need to say and get out. It has been difficult to hang on to them, but it has been difficult to know how to let them go. Sometimes it is so hard to know how to say something to someone else about how you are experiencing life in relation to them. The longer it goes, the more shoulds that seem to be involved.

Sometimes it is just hard to have to explain myself. I can't just say I feel something and leave it at that. I have to explain what is behind it. And that is wearing. I don't always even know, and there are times I don't even care. I have too much else going on and drawing my attention. It is like things like this force me to be in something I don't want to be. On some level I think it could be a good thing, and on another level I am not so sure.

What I am sure of, though, is that I haven't had any real clarity about any of it, other than to recognize that it needs to be dealt with in some way. I figure that when the time is right I will hopefully either discharge it easily or find a way to communicate it to the parties that I need to communicate with.

A part of me is tired. Tired of not being good enough. Tired of doing things wrong. Tired of being seen in ways that discredit who I am. Tired of feeling badly for who I am because I haven't lived up to what someone else thought I should have lived up to. Tired of doubting and questioning myself.

LOL. I just snickered. "Tired."

And who just said she can't seem to get out of bed?

I called this blog "Impression or Depression" because, as an alternative to depression, it could just be that life, and the work and release that I am doing, is leaving an impression on me, and it is having me re-wire myself. It is helping me to be imprinted with a different way of speaking and doing things and a different way of seeing myself. That is not usually a light-weight job.

It just kinda sucks because at this point in my treatment, I usually have more energy to do the things I need to do. Next week I get treated again, and feel like I got not much of anything done. I don't suppose that is a "fair" statement, as I have been doing other things. I could have been unpacking instead. But the other things were feeding my soul, so I am going to have to give myself permission to believe it is a good thing.

Last night I also stayed up for a bit after I found out that Amtrak is going to start a new program that involves writers (a writer's residency). Writers will be given free rides on Amtrak. In exchange, Amtrak will ask them to do some tweeting and social media sharing.

I saw that and got ultra excited. Could it be my next tour? Could I possibly write my book on the train? Driving is wonderful, but I can't write while I drive, and it takes a lot out of me. I told them I thought we could be a great match. We could help each other, and help others. I told them about my previous trip, and how I thought it could be absolutely great.

I can only hope they will see it as I do.

So I sat there, as tired as I was, and I wrote them about me. I think the news of their plan might have only been hours old. I wanted to jump on it. In the time that I was writing, I got lost in my thoughts, and away from how I had been feeling. It was such a great feeling I had. It is one I so much want more of.

I have been really struggling lately. It is hard when a part of you thinks that you shouldn't been here. I have spent so much of my life trying to be invisible, or the "good girl," perhaps in some way for it to be OK for me to be here. After all, if you're not wanted, maybe that could change if you're good, and people like you.

For as much as I may seem to be seamless in my expression, it hasn't always been that way. I was getting better before diagnosis, but the dam started to really leak in early 2013, and I think broke at the end of it.

What fascinates me is that being invisible and silently good didn't seem to help me, but neither does trying to be visible and verbal. In some way they seem to net a similar result.

I am really grateful to those who not only believe me to be a good person, but tell me that I am from their hearts. I think they get that I am struggling. For so long there has been an undercurrent that something is wrong with me. I have known deep down that that is not the case, but it hasn't been enough to prevent how I ultimately have felt.

I may not have been perfect over the years, and there are most assuredly times I haven't made the best choices or said the right things, but at the core of who I am is someone who has a love of others and is quite sensitive. Most who know me as sensitive have often seen that to be a bad thing. I have two nieces who have been similarly labelled. I sometimes feel badly for them that what others see in them and in me is not seen as a good - or flattering - similarity.

I have struggled to find a way to be me in a world in which the me I am has never really fit. Why could I never fit? It never really occurred to me that not fitting was a good thing, in part, because of what the majority around me believed. How could they all be wrong, and yet it never really felt like they were right.

I just want to go back to bed. *Sigh*

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