Thursday, February 27, 2014

The Emotional Range Forest

I want to scream. Not exactly sure why. But I do.

I saw something online about a guy who was only given 6 months to live. He decided to give his girlgriend, who became his wife, things that she wanted in that time. He has since died, and now we hear the story. What about when he was alive?? Then, as the story is told, a question is posed, "if you only have 6 months to live..." 

It is crap. C R A P. crap. Sorry if I offend anyone, but it is. For most anyone who is asked that question, there is absolutely nothing that makes it a viable or valuable question. Many might not even know how to answer it, and those who do will all too soon forget what they said. It isn't like it is a leaping point to actually doing something about it because most anyone asked will feel like they will live forever. It isn't until one is facing that reality that most would change a thing. 

And that, actually, is quite tragic.

I saw a video in which people were talking about the NDE that Anita Moorjani had, and the things she learned. Do people have to get that far to awaken? I felt like I wanted to answer that question. The answer is a BIG FAT NO. I did not get as far as she did, but have awakened to many of the things of value that she discovered - just as she might have been losing them. The thing is, I still came farther along the path to get here than probably anyone would ever want to.

When the road suddenly deadends, you may be at a big loss. All those things you thought were ahead are suddenly unreachable. I had an uncle who worked very hard up til retirement, but died not long after. His wife, my aunt, was sad that he had worked so hard and was not able to enjoy life, living, and retirement. That, at the same time, she was giving me grief for spending money I did not have to take a trip. I doubt she realized the inherent contradiction of those two things.

I feel like I want to scream at people who are on the wheel and either can't get off, or don't even realize they are on it. I want to tell them that the time is now to BE. The time is now, and it doesn't matter how uncomfortable it is, or what anyone else thinks. There is no time like the present because no other time may ever be present. 

Easy for me to say? Not so easy for you to do? You got the this and the that and the...yeah. OK. I know. I was there, too. I was so stuck. So miserable. It is scary. It means taking leaps where there are no nets. It means all kinds of things that are so freaking scary. 

You know what? I learned from being there. And you will, too. You will take what you need, and you will add it to the sum total of your life. It will serve a purpose, and it may surprise you in countless ways. You will never change course because someone else thinks you should, or because someone wants you to. Even if you did, odds are you will find your own path because it is what you need to do, or are meant to do.

I am sorry if I want to scream at you. It is really not about you. It is about how much I somehow wish that how I did things in the past had more understsnding of the things I know now. What could/would have been different? At the same time, I have seen countless times how who and how I am is all too like others on this path called life, and what comes to help and comfort me can occassionally do the same for others.

It is also my wanting to vent anger for the place I find myself in. I don't think I have ever been angry about cancer, but it doesn't mean there is no anger. Perhaps things show up when we are ready for them, and maybe that partially explains the freaking rollercoaster I feel like I am on. Ome minute I am fine, but then the next everything feels tragic.

I imagine I depress the anger as a way to cope, and as a result it comes out sideways in relation to the things I wind up talking about, or winds up as depression, or maybe it is even why I sleep a lot. Maybe I just wish I could go back and wake the person I was up. She was so numb. So hurt. So lost. She was often swayed by what others thought. She could not have been more stuck. Is that going to be the tale of my life? Are my disappointments and delusions and misconceptions and hurts going to be the majority of my life's tale given that I have only been awake for such a short time?

I have said I am mostly without regret at this point in my life, and there is a part of me that believes that. It is the same part that logically believes that everything in my life has served a purpose - pain and disappointment and all. But there is another part of me that is terrified that I will never have the chance to really, truly - completely - fully - live this life I have been given. 

I am doing all that I can in the context I now find myself in, and maybe that is all we can ever do. Maybe it won't always seem like it is good enough, but maybe you have to sometimes eat the whole box of cereal to get the prize. 

All of these things sound good, by the way, but I am struggling just the same. If life just is what it is, and it is all OK because it serves a purpose (known or unknown), why do we find ourselves questioning  what we do/don't do? Why do we even ask why? Why do we ask, what if?

Is it too late to help myself? I certainly hope not. But I have no way of knowing. I also have no way of knowing if I can relay anything in a way that can make a difference in the world in which I live, or that I leave behind. I guess there partly is a piece about wanting to feel like I mattered - not only to the world, but to myself.

Athere are unformulated questions in my head. This blog post has gone from anger to sadness. As I think about it, the "funny" thing is that I think more people would be comfortable with the anger than the sadness, even though sadness is a good sign, as it means I am processing stuff.

I have heard stories of those who care more about how those around them feel, and how they go to sometimes great efforts to take care of them. Some people would think that inspiring. amazing, all kinds of good things - and maybe it is. But also consider that it is good for people to feel and to express what they feel on both sides of the aisle. Times like that may do no one any favors, depending on how those times come to be. Also consider that just because a person speaks of something as it is doesn't mean they are any weaker than the one who doesn't. There is a lot of power in saying what is.

I have now calmed down some. So...from anger to sadness (and tears) to feeling on the calm side, and it all came through being able to express myself. On some level it most assuredly sucks, and on another, I am grateful for the role it plays in processing whatever is feeling a need to be processed.

I was going to go back and re-read this, but I don't got it in me. It is only 7:30, but I am feeling like I should go to bed - actually, to sleep - as I have been in bed this whole time.  It probably did not help that I was up til 3:00 this morning and did not sleep today, like I usually wind up doing. Hopefully I will sleep through the night then. Wouldn't that be loverly?

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes I think it's my NLEs that point the way. Those are the times during my day or night, when something comes together to show me that the life I envision is indeed possible, even it if comes in chunks with interludes of "the wheel". I experience a personal triumph in one endeavor or another in my creative life and those moments allow me to push on to the next one. I think the number of those triumphs (and they're all self-defined) are increasing.

    I understand your wanting to scream at folks on the wheel, though. You've opened yourself up to a perspective that is difficult for so many to understand. And your taking the trip was an embodiment of that perspective. So many just wouldn't understand the importance of that adventure but it fed you and it gave us food for thought.

    Thank you for sharing it all.