So much on my mind tonight.
The ego part of me is wanting desperately to know if I am going to live. It is so desperate, I made a post on Facebook, asking if anyone had any "gut" feelings about me getting to stick around for a while.
It was a pretty straight forward request - or so I thought. I got more than I bargained for. I went back and amended the post, hoping that I did not make anyone uncomfortable in the process.
The post was not made from a logical place, and I was not looking for logical answers. And I was only asking for one specific answer - if it was to be had.
I knew it was a risky proposition. I am even wondering if I am playing with fire keeping it up.
I rarely ask for anything these days - especially when it comes to emotional stuff - because I often get more than I bargained for, and what may sound and seem like help or hope from another may come off in a very different way.
Yesterday I saw my oncologist. Things did not go the way I had hoped. I wound up crying, again. I am uncertain as to what choice to make, as none of the choices are a "good" one. I went online looking for info to educate myself, and wound up scaring myself, instead.
No one really knows this publicly, because I have yet to speak on it. No one really has my "full" picture, but one filled in with pieces, like a failed bid to win a blog contest, and the fact that I have been ill.
Am i worried about the fever? Yes. But not in any life-threatening way, more as a nuisance. I only shared to get support, and as a way to continue to show people what I am dealing with.
As far as the blog contest goes, it would have been nice to win, but it would have been a drop in the bucket. Underlying anything about it is an urgent financial need that I am struggling with. Anything I feel is not isolated to the contest. The picture is much bigger. I am more frustrated about the bigger picture than disappointed that I did not win. I am also more sad for those who voted and wanted me to win, than I am for myself.
It was a long-shot, and I knew it.
There are other components to these things, too, and they may be things others don't factor in for whatever reason - which can include that they don't even know it to factor it.
It is reallly hard being so public. I say it all the time, because it really is. I am often misinterpreted. I think I sometimes rub people the wrong way.
It just is really hard, especially when I am feeling fragile, and what little I thought I had to go on starts to crumble. People have no idea how much I am dealing with day-to-day, much less moment-to-moment.
I find myself at times incredibly vulnerable and sensitive. At times like that I probably should just stay away from people. The unfortunate irony is that times like that are when I probably need them the most.