Had to Let it Go

I was sitting in the chair in the infusion area (where they "juice up" chemo patients) when I found out my tumor marker (number that indicates tumor activity) went up considerably in the last month.

At first, I was calm. I was doodling, and continued to. I let a few close people know what was going on via text, and I kept going.

But then the tears started. At first, I thought about holding back, but they were flowing like a stream, and a part of me kept saying, "Feel what you are feeling. Feel it."

I felt so many painful things, and knew that if I was going to allow myself to cry, I had to pull the curtain. I kept telling myself to feel what I was feeling.

I didn't want to hold back, but I also did not want to sob as loudly as I would have home, alone. I kept hoping no one would hear me, or pay attention, because I felt it would only make things worse. 

I could not stop crying, and was not going to even try to stop myself. I knew it would be a mistake. The heaviness of all I felt was compressed in my chest.

Stopping crying would only keep it there. I had to let it go.

More than one person eventually heard me/came by and asked if there was anything they, or the center I go to, could do. They asked the same questions people always ask, and offered the same "solutions" that are anything but.

When devastated like that, people always think I need someone to talk to. Talking to someone isn't what I need. It won't change a dang thing.

I don't need someone to talk to. I need people to act.

Recently I said something that I have since quoted the essence of more than once.  It clearly and succinctly identifies where I am these days. 

I can't handle this alone, and people 's words are not enough. I need tangible help, and I need it now. If I don't get it now, I have to wonder if there will be a later.

What is that thing I said?

I need you to be a voice for me. I need you to stop telling me to be strong, and that I am strong, and be some of my strength. I need you to stop telling me to have hope, and start giving me reasons to be hopeful.

Please consider helping me. Even just a few dollars would help. It can add up. Heartsgiving.com gives you ways you can do that. 

You have no idea how much I hate to ask. You also have no idea of the pain, anguish and fear that drives me having to.

Today I found out chemo is a pending definite. It will start next week. Ideally I should be focusing on me, taking care of myself, doing what I can to heal. 

Being worried about how I will pay my bills will either take precedence, or will be in the background, and I could have issues if I run out of money mid-stream. And just because they take precendence, it doesn't mean anything. Even focused on trying to help myself has netted more silence than help.

If silence was a valuable commodity, I would be a wealthy woman.

This, by the way, is not to say that I haven't received some assistance. I am incredibly grateful for what has come. The problem is that even with what has come, I still have an overwhelming problem.  

There is more I want to say, and know I need to say...just not sure yet what that is.

I am exhausted. I have shed so many tears in the last couple of weeks. Maybe it is part of the reason I do not feel well, too. It will hopefully be an early, Nyquil-filled night.

Heartsgiving.com

Thank you.