Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Had to Let it Go

I was sitting in the chair in the infusion area (where they "juice up" chemo patients) when I found out my tumor marker (number that indicates tumor activity) went up considerably in the last month.

At first, I was calm. I was doodling, and continued to. I let a few close people know what was going on via text, and I kept going.

But then the tears started. At first, I thought about holding back, but they were flowing like a stream, and a part of me kept saying, "Feel what you are feeling. Feel it."

I felt so many painful things, and knew that if I was going to allow myself to cry, I had to pull the curtain. I kept telling myself to feel what I was feeling.

I didn't want to hold back, but I also did not want to sob as loudly as I would have home, alone. I kept hoping no one would hear me, or pay attention, because I felt it would only make things worse. 

I could not stop crying, and was not going to even try to stop myself. I knew it would be a mistake. The heaviness of all I felt was compressed in my chest.

Stopping crying would only keep it there. I had to let it go.

More than one person eventually heard me/came by and asked if there was anything they, or the center I go to, could do. They asked the same questions people always ask, and offered the same "solutions" that are anything but.

When devastated like that, people always think I need someone to talk to. Talking to someone isn't what I need. It won't change a dang thing.

I don't need someone to talk to. I need people to act.

Recently I said something that I have since quoted the essence of more than once.  It clearly and succinctly identifies where I am these days. 

I can't handle this alone, and people 's words are not enough. I need tangible help, and I need it now. If I don't get it now, I have to wonder if there will be a later.

What is that thing I said?

I need you to be a voice for me. I need you to stop telling me to be strong, and that I am strong, and be some of my strength. I need you to stop telling me to have hope, and start giving me reasons to be hopeful.

Please consider helping me. Even just a few dollars would help. It can add up. Heartsgiving.com gives you ways you can do that. 

You have no idea how much I hate to ask. You also have no idea of the pain, anguish and fear that drives me having to.

Today I found out chemo is a pending definite. It will start next week. Ideally I should be focusing on me, taking care of myself, doing what I can to heal. 

Being worried about how I will pay my bills will either take precedence, or will be in the background, and I could have issues if I run out of money mid-stream. And just because they take precendence, it doesn't mean anything. Even focused on trying to help myself has netted more silence than help.

If silence was a valuable commodity, I would be a wealthy woman.

This, by the way, is not to say that I haven't received some assistance. I am incredibly grateful for what has come. The problem is that even with what has come, I still have an overwhelming problem.  

There is more I want to say, and know I need to say...just not sure yet what that is.

I am exhausted. I have shed so many tears in the last couple of weeks. Maybe it is part of the reason I do not feel well, too. It will hopefully be an early, Nyquil-filled night.


Thank you.


  1. You are incredible, and while my words won't help to fix all that needs fixing...please know that I am cheering for you from Virginia. As soon as I am able, I will do as much as I can to help you. Until then, please feel free to reach out to me anytime.

    1. Thank you so much for your support. I hadn't realized when I commented on your blog that that woman you were referring to was/is also dealing with ovarian cancer. My heart certainly goes out to her. It is like winning the dang lottery - just the wrong kind. Given her age, I am glad that they caught it. Younger women (and girls!) are more at risk because it is considered an older woman's illness.

  2. I'll be sending donations your way as soon as I get paid. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with this. You are a fantastic writer and I'll be think of you.

  3. Thank you Kathleen. I REALLY appreciate it.

  4. Your story touched me deeply. I am also going through cancer treatment and just started chemotherapy. I don't think that people that haven't been there realize how the missed work, the mileage, the medical bills, all add up. I am sending a small donation in your name via the Cancer Support Foundation. I wish you all the best.