Friday, January 23, 2015

Speaking Up

The other day I was talking to someone. They asked me if I eat potatoes. "When I crave them, yes." 

The other person said I should be sure to eat organic. "I do when I can. It can get pricey, and sometimes I can't find it. I try not to drive myself crazy about it."

You really should eat organic, the person said, because of the pesticides they use. It is worth the money.

The money I don't really have?

I gave the person a look. "Ok. I will shut up now," the person said.

A button had been pushed. I told the person that I probably know more about things than most people they know after dealing with cancer over 2 years. I told them that I do all that I can to take care of myself, but that it isn't always easy without an income. I told them that the "helpful" info people offer isn't always helpful, and it often costs money I do not have, which is incredibly frustrating. Lots of ideas and solutions come my way, but not always the help to make them happen.

I think I said more, but I do not remember at this point what it might have been. This was one of a couple of times I spoke my mind with this person, who I am not sure appreciated it, given their good intentions.

It was later suggested to me that I deal with the things that bother me internally/silently rather than say how I feel out loud, and to the person who has said something that presses a button.

I disagreed. I also said that most people who are willing to listen get what I am saying and why I am saying it. I was not about to handle it the way this person suggested.

The person I am speaking of is still talking to me. Also still finding buttons. Proactively in the midst of what I am feeling, I explain. 

I cannot tell you how good that feels.

How can anyone know what or how or why we feel something, or react a certain way, if we do not tell them? Each time we are silent, there is a possibility that we are eating away at ourselves, that we are only hurting ourselves. 

Maybe it seems nicer, or more polite, or is less likely to be confrontational, but when you speak your truth, there really isn't much anyone can say. Which doesn't mean they won't try. But when you are confortable within yourself, what they say won't matter as much as you once thought it did.

I actually think there may be less conflict when you speak to the best of your awareness than when you try to play nice. I think things can simmer and eek out in unpleasant, unhelpful ways.

Am I always tactful? Am I always pleasant? Appreciated? I seriously doubt it. But these days I am the closest I have ever been to always being myself, and I really cannot convey just how incredible that can be.

And the fact that I can not only do it, and appreciate it, but also the fact that I can often "defend" it without being defensive is one of the greatest gifts of all. It means I am the most at peace ever in being who I am. 

The fact that I have gotten to the point that I feel there is nothing left to lose likely has a lot to do with birthing and feeding this frank-spoken version of myself. I highly recommend getting to a similar point. I also recommend finding a way to get there that doesn't include a major illness or catastrophe. 

Ps have you seen patreon.com/jolope, yet? If not, would you please take a moment to check it out? Thank you.

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