Thursday, January 15, 2015

Needing to Vent

(A doodle from a phone call this morning.)

I am extremely frustrated and annoyed by so many things right now. So many times I have gotten information that directly conflicts with other information. How do I know what is right, and what is worth the effort?

I also am questioned about MY choices. The choices I should be allowed to have. I was just talking to someone in my Congressman's office about a policy that I have been told has to do with "coercion." The fact that something could be considered "coercion" is the reason a policy is as it is. At least that is what I was told, more than once.

Well. In speaking with this new person about it, I am told that it has to do with fiscal issues and a need for limits, and apparently I do not understand how the government works enough to understand the words being used in relation to what *I* perceive as a problem (and others affected, I might add).

Obviously the government knows better what the problem is. It is not to say they don't, but it shouldn't have to be something so freaking out of reach of the understanding of someone directly affected by policy. It should also not have to go by a term that doesn't really seem to apply.

Why can't we just call things what they are, and call them in plain language? I am not a dumb person. But things like this can surely make me feel less than saavy/smart. I ask questions about the language, and get shut down by more language.

This person also asked me today if I am an idiot. I know she meant it in jest, but...the problem is that the thing she picked on is a problem for me. There are times I do feel like an idiot, of sorts. When dealing with other people, there are times I almost want to tell them to slow down. It really sucks that I feel like I need to do that.

My brain has most certainly been compromised. And I am about to start chemo again. And it may not even be the chemo I thought it would be. It could be a brand new chemo with brand new challenges, or the making worse of some that weren't perhaps as terrible before.

When you need help your business becomes everyone else's business. It is disgusting. Before you judge me for this, consider how you would feel if you were in my shoes. You'd likely hate it. Some might think they'd "never" be here, and feel justified in judging, and in having me have to deal with whatever shows up, as if I somehow "deserve" it.

It just makes me really sad. Sad for me and for others, and even for those with no idea and no empathy.

There are things I don't get into here because there are some things I just don't think I should talk about publicly. But just because one thinks they understand my situation, my choices, my...everything, odds are that person don't have a clue,  and if there's judgment, there a lack of respect for me and the fact that I have valid, and what I would call good, reasons for making the choices I do.

If you were in my shoes, I am pretty sure you would feel similarly. A little compassion and empathy would go a long way in making this world a better place. As always, I may be talking about things that apply to me, but they can apply to many other people and situations, too.

There are times I truly think that leaving this life wouldn't be the worst thing. Caring about a lot of the things I do is very often an uphill battle. And I don't just take on things because I have nothing better to do. I often take them on because they are right in front of my face, and I don't have a choice but to face it, and say something about it. I don't know what I "expect" to happen as a result. But I also don't feel like I have a choice, either.

As I told my Congressman's office, if no one says anything about things that are troublesome, then nothing gets changed. I kind of thought they want to know what ALL their constituents think, and what is important to them - and not just those who have agreement about issues. I truly bet this is a big issue for many people. It, like many things, though, just is never really talked about. I also bet many think it would be a non-issue, if I would just be willing to make other choices.

How often do you want your choices - especially the ones you feel you should be able to make without interference, and that directly affect you on many levels - corrected? amended? questioned? One last guess? I bet one time is already too many.

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