Thursday, January 8, 2015

Getting it out

It is 10:44 am. I am laying in bed. I was crying just a few minutes ago. I am not sure why, though.

I am struggling on a few levels, and am beside myself. I am really wondering if I have numbed myself some. Or if I am resigned. Or if I have given up in some way.

Obviously, none of those possibilities sound positive, do they? I can only go on what has been happening, and how I feel.  My soul aches, and that is why I have chosen those options.

I feel like I can't truly express myself. That may seem ultra ironic, given how much I seem to express. But I don't just mean words.

I mean my ability to be in love with someone, and to be able to show expressions of that love. 

I mean my ability to make a difference for another, and to do that through our interactions. As I think about it, so much of what probably comes from me is about how I have a need.

Occasionally I really connect with a person, and get to be me beyond my need. I get to be someone appreciated and loved for who I am. I am not seen as a nuisance, or a task to fulfill.

But it doesn't happen often enough. More often than not, I feel invisible. I feel without value, and it is not just because I am without a paycheck. It is, in part, because I do not get to share of myself.

It is now a few hours later. I had a major meltdown. Still feeling emotional, and have matching red cheeks and red and swollen eye lids. My eyes are a pretty shade of pink, and my voice is all gravelly thanks to my deep sobs.

At messy times like this, people often have no clue just how devastated I am. I have done a few videos, but I am not sure any have been a complete and utter breakdown. Close, perhaps. But nothing quite like what I was experiencing earlier.

Every-freaking-thing came together for the Perfect Storm. Through my "whys?" my friend said she did not know. Good thing I wasn't asking her. I told her as much, and she laughed. "I know." But she wished she had a answer for me.

Fact is, I wish someone did.

I realized in the midst of all of my tears that I feel disabled. I do not feel like the person I was pre surgery and chemo. I have been worn down by everything I have been dealing with and treated with.

In the beginning I did not have a "build up." I had reserves of mind , body and spirit and money that I do not have now.

I have been worn down, and at times sooo desperately want to retreat. But can't. I need help even more desperately to be able to do that.

The fact is, I am terrified on so many levels. It is not something I want to think about, and often do not, but there are times like today, there is little else I can consider.


  1. I am also undergoing treatment for BC. Wrapping you with peace, health, love and the knowledge that by sharing your journey here you ARE contributing a great service to the world. You are loved.

  2. I am sorry to hear that you are feeling like this. Sometimes that is one of the best things about having a blog, having somewhere to talk about this stuff.

  3. I am so sorry that you are struggling. Thank you so much for your courage, in sharing your feelings. I felt very moved by your story. I am sending you hugs. As the previous poster said, you are loved.

  4. So sorry you are struggling so much. You probably do not want to hear this but I really believe you need to change your mindset. Your mind is the most powerful tool that you have and it sounds like you are just letting it run rough shod over you. There is a very powerful book by Wayne Dyer called "Change your mind, change your life" I believe this with all my heart and it works! I love you.