It is 10:44 am. I am laying in bed. I was crying just a few minutes ago. I am not sure why, though.
I am struggling on a few levels, and am beside myself. I am really wondering if I have numbed myself some. Or if I am resigned. Or if I have given up in some way.
Obviously, none of those possibilities sound positive, do they? I can only go on what has been happening, and how I feel. My soul aches, and that is why I have chosen those options.
I feel like I can't truly express myself. That may seem ultra ironic, given how much I seem to express. But I don't just mean words.
I mean my ability to be in love with someone, and to be able to show expressions of that love.
I mean my ability to make a difference for another, and to do that through our interactions. As I think about it, so much of what probably comes from me is about how I have a need.
Occasionally I really connect with a person, and get to be me beyond my need. I get to be someone appreciated and loved for who I am. I am not seen as a nuisance, or a task to fulfill.
But it doesn't happen often enough. More often than not, I feel invisible. I feel without value, and it is not just because I am without a paycheck. It is, in part, because I do not get to share of myself.
It is now a few hours later. I had a major meltdown. Still feeling emotional, and have matching red cheeks and red and swollen eye lids. My eyes are a pretty shade of pink, and my voice is all gravelly thanks to my deep sobs.
At messy times like this, people often have no clue just how devastated I am. I have done a few videos, but I am not sure any have been a complete and utter breakdown. Close, perhaps. But nothing quite like what I was experiencing earlier.
Every-freaking-thing came together for the Perfect Storm. Through my "whys?" my friend said she did not know. Good thing I wasn't asking her. I told her as much, and she laughed. "I know." But she wished she had a answer for me.
Fact is, I wish someone did.
I realized in the midst of all of my tears that I feel disabled. I do not feel like the person I was pre surgery and chemo. I have been worn down by everything I have been dealing with and treated with.
In the beginning I did not have a "build up." I had reserves of mind , body and spirit and money that I do not have now.
I have been worn down, and at times sooo desperately want to retreat. But can't. I need help even more desperately to be able to do that.
The fact is, I am terrified on so many levels. It is not something I want to think about, and often do not, but there are times like today, there is little else I can consider.