Sunday, January 18, 2015

Pretty Much Every Day

Pretty much every day I wake up tired. And it doesn't matter how little, or how much, sleep I get.

Pretty much every day I lie in bed for a while (sometimes hours) before I manage to get out of bed for the day.

Pretty much every day I wake up aware of the fact that my stomach is just so not happy and of other things it is feeling.

Pretty much every day I am aware of the fact that I am going to begin chemo again this week.

Pretty much every day my long list of To Dos gets no where close to being done. 

Pretty much every day I am feeling fortunate to get anything more "major" done (yesterday it was chicken soup).

Pretty much every day I go to bed exhausted, feeling like I should do more, but having to surrender to the fatigue, instead.

Pretty much every day I try to post a blog, or work on an art image.. 

Pretty much every day I ask for financial help in some way.

Pretty much every day I have to push myself past where I probably should go so that I get anything done.

Pretty much every day I could fairly easily stay in bed - if I didn't compel myself out of it.

Pretty much every day I am aware of what doctors consider my situation to be.

Pretty much every day I am aware of being judged in some way.

Pretty much every day I am grateful for those who have helped me get as far as I have.

Pretty much every day I am incredibly grateful for the generosity of the friend I live with.

Pretty much every day I am aware of feeling overwhelmed with all that needs to be done.

Pretty much every day I am having to explain the types of things many have no clue about - even after I attempt explanation. (How do I know this? When it comes up again...and again). 

Pretty much every day (especially lately) I find myself in tears.

Pretty much every day I utilize hypnosis.

Pretty much every day I force myself to take extra trips up and down steps for some physical activity.

Pretty much every day I am aware when it is getting harder to do things...and, perhaps even worse, harder to even want to do them. 

Pretty much every day I am aware of my simultaneous desire to live and my thoughts that not being here might not be so bad.

Pretty much every day I am aware of many of the contradictions that exist in this thing we call life. 

Pretty much every day I am aware of the fact that on some level many people can relate to me and the things I say because they have their own stuff they deal with.

Pretty much every day I am aware of the fact that I do not have a spouse or boyfriend or kids.

Pretty much every day I am reminded I am no where near perfect, and that my interpretations aren't always right, despite the initial moments in which they think the are.

Pretty much every day I am reminded of cancer and chemo when I look in the mirror and see my messed up hair.

Pretty much every day...

I have debated about posting this list. I am not making it for anyone, except myself. I kind of feel like it is just a way for me to say what is the "so" of my experience. There are a lot of things that happen every day, and it is not that I am consciously ticking off each one. Quite frankly if it was a "tick" kind of list, I'd probably forget a few a them more often than not.

I wonder if the "every day" part is truly every day. But I think I take care of that by saying "pretty much" before it. I have some really good days in the midst of a lot of the yuckiness that I experience. There are some days, I would almost think myself "normal" and cancer free.

For a while I seemed to be feeling like that more often I seem to now. I suspect part of it has to do with what is going on in my body, and why I am feeling as I do physically.

I really wish cancer would realize that if it destroys me, it destroys its home. It can't live in a body that can't live. Ironically, they say cancer are cells that have decided they aren't going to die. Cells are supposed to die, but cancer cells decide they're special, I guess.

If life itself is something that transcends our body, then there never is death. If you believe that, then it is interesting to consider, and wonder, perhaps, how cancer cells fit in there. After all, within the body that appears to be life, those cells exist. I have heard we all have them at some time or another, it is just that when the actual illness develops, some are having a different experience than others.

The cancer cells have a "life," too. They seem to live.

I often think of it as the paradox of contrasts in life. There is night, and there is day. There is strong and there is weak. There is big and there is small. There is wide and there is narrow. There is good and there is bad.

We seem to be more OK with the side of the contrast that seems to be (more) positive. But the side that isn't, well...we judge it, or the person, if there seems to be a reason to.

And, yet, every piece is a part of life. Every piece. We experience what good is by knowing what bad is. We appreciate day and the light it offers because we see how night can put us in the dark. We appreciate the dark because we can see the stars in the sky, which are diluted by the light of the daylight and sun.

How can we say which side of the spectrum is good, and which side is bad? We decide by what we've been taught, or by what mood we've been in, or are in. We decide by what we gain or what we lose in the process of interacting with that "thing."

Illness always seems to fall on the bad side. Maybe it is a justifiable placement. I certainly wouldn't question anyone who would want to put it there. What I might question, though, are the things that come along with that placement.

The things that come along with it affect people in a myriad of ways, and it is sometimes - at least by my perspective - worse than the illness itself.

I am finding that being able to state things helps me. It helps me to hold it tangibly and be able to look at it in a way that I don't when I don't speak them.

I am going to leave this post as is. I am going to ask that if you have any "helpful" comments or perspectives about the list, that you keep them to yourself. I know you likely mean well by what you would say, but - please, not right now.

I used to be a part of a program that would talk about getting permission from a person to discuss something about what they were dealing with in what you would perceive to be a helpful way. You wouldn't automatically assume that what you had to say was what they needed to hear - whether they wanted to hear it, or not.

By doing it that way, if a person says yes, they are more inclined to hear and appreciate what you have to say. If they don't give permission, you keep your "help" to yourself - at least at that time.

I think that is not a bad way to go, in general. If the human being had a best practices guidebook, I would say one of the things that would be good to include would be this idea. Should it be in all cases? I can't say. But what I can say is that it likely would be a good idea in most cases.

Thank you for coming by, and if you haven't yet seen, I have created a page for people to be able to support me and my work as a "patron." You can do it for as little as $1 per month, and you can cancel at any time. If you have found value in my work (writing, art, and the myriad of other things I have offered) and/or value me in this world, I would like to request that you consider supporting me in this way, even if it is for just one month.

I am about to begin chemo again, and to say I am scared is an understatement. You may think I am scared regarding cancer and chemo, but quite frankly, I am more scared about how I will manage to make it financially. As you can imagine, this is not a stress I would think is beneficial to my healing process.

$1 really would make a difference. Really.

Click here to see my Patreon Page. https://www.patreon.com/jolope

Thank you.


  1. Thank you for expressing your feelings. I know that you don't want comments on your list but I will tell you this: you have really given me an idea of what it is like to experience the things that you have. I can never fully understand but your words convey a message in a really beautiful way. Hugs from alice.

  2. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  3. Dropping by from the Ultimate Blog Boost Challenge page :).