Sunday, January 4, 2015

Emotional and On Edge

I am in a lot of pain tonight. Given that I am also in a lot of emotional pain, I guess I should not be surprised. It is the "pressure" of impending treatment? Is it the news of the ESPN anchor's death today?

Every time I hear of someone who has dealt with cancer and died, I can't help but think about myself and my circumstances. I also can't help but think that others who know me are thinking similar things.
Today wasn't all that great. It was better than last night, but I feel like I just want to go to bed again, and I likely will not long after I finish this post.

The painting above is one I just completed tonight. It started out much greener and lighter than it is. I looked at it at one point and thought it looked "stormy." I feel like the title should be "flying through the storm." So until further notice, that is what it is.

I may start painting more regularly again. It seemed to really be cathartic for me in a way when I did it before. Something was pushing me to do it tonight, so I suppose there may be something to it. Jean, the shaman I stayed with, has asked me more than once if I have been painting. The image of a couple of days ago was the first in several weeks, and up until today, was the only one I had done since my return.

It feels a bit crazy to be so drawn to painting right now. Like, shouldn't I be doing other things? I have so much I could do and need to be doing. But the pressures are enormous. I need breaks. I need outlets. I need relief. I need a lot of things.

I don't know that painting gives me any of those things, but I am going to go with that it does. I have to have a good reason for what I am doing, so I will go with that. I really got nothing else, any way.

I am feeling extremely emotional and on edge. I really don't know how I am going to make going through treatment for the third time. Once again, I have one month's worth of money left, and then I am screwed. And I don't know how much I will be able to do for myself when that happens.

I have asked for help over and over and over and a blog entry full of overs. I don't even want to do it any more. I can't even get any where enough people to vote for me in a damn contest that doesn't cost them anything, but a few moments of time; how can I convey my urgent need for help? 

I really just don't know what to do any more. I guess a lot of "everyones" sit back thinking somehow I will be OK because I have been. But I can't keep being OK if I don't get the help I need. Or if I can't make money. Or if I can't take care of myself.

How can I explain what I have explained before so many times in a way that will make a difference? It is really hard to have a need because it comes across negatively to a lot of people. I have to put a smile on it. I have to understand why no one helps. I have to be appreciative. I have to think about everyone and everything else, other than what hell I am going through.

It is next to impossible sometimes.

It is really hard to be in the midst of a trauma, and try to keep my head on straight and my emotions intact, or fear that I will be accosted by well-meaning people who say things in the spirit of being helpful, but are anything but.

I feel like I need to explode. If I don't find a way to release this pressure at some point, I have a feeling something will give, and it really won't be pleasant.

PS if you haven't yet voted for my blog today, would you please? I could win a much needed $1000, but I need votes to get there. The contest only runs until Jan 15, and you could potentially give me 2 votes each remaining day between Facebook and Twitter. Thank you. http://www.healthline.com/health/best-health-blogs-contest?badge=105

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