Tuesday, January 6, 2015

No Idea.

I am sitting here, wondering what to write. It is almost one in the afternoon, and I have only been up a couple of hours, after not being able to go to sleep last night.

When I wasn't feeling well I was taking something to help me sleep, as I felt I should help myself as much as possible to get better. Last night I was tempted to do the same, but thought I should just see how my body did on its own. The answer, as you now know, not so good.

I wound up getting up, and decided to doodle. The image to the left is what I created. It is tinted with a few photo filters for effect. I really loved the way it came out.

I have been thinking a lot about the video of van Gogh and Dr Who yesterday. I wound up going online to watch the whole episode. I am not sure that was necessary, as the meatiest part was definitely those few minutes I shared.

There was, however, one piece in the show in which van Gogh talks about how the colors talk to him. Did he ever really say that? I know when I interact with the things I create, it is like they talk to me. They tell me what color should go where, they tell me what shape to create, and I am never finished until they tell me they are.

There was another piece that struck out for me, as well, and that was that he was so prolific, especially the last year of his life. 

There seem to be similarities between us, including the use of vibrant color (even if in a different way), as well as not having much to our name and not seeming to be able to sell our work.

This whole "artist" thing has bothered me for quite some time. It seems to have an energy around it that is difficult, at best. Do I want to make my living as an artist? Not exactly. I love art, but I love people, and I love talking to them, and I love when I can make a difference for them, and it seems that in some way my art is a part of that.

I was once asked what I wanted to do for a living. I said, "I want to get paid to talk to people." That was before I knew I would work as a life coach, hypnotist, and an intuitive. Those things have fed my soul tremendously over the years that I was actively doing it. 

Dealing with cancer has changed that. It was difficult enough trying to create a business when healthy. I haven't been able to do it since dealing with treatment. It's not that I don't want to do it. It would just take something I am not sure I have. 

So. What am I doing? I am doing whatever I can to try to help myself, and to do things that do not require specific, appointment types of interactions with people, especially people who would not understand what I am dealing with.

There is so much conflict about pretty much everything right now. It really bothers me when I am seen as a certain label like "artist" or "jewelry maker" and then treated like everyone else. I realize that many are struggling these days, but I not only do not have an income, I do not have the health to do the things that they might be able to do. They may also have other choices, which I do not.

Some have suggested that I go and find a job. I haven't worked for anyone in a "JOB" in over 10 years. When I tried to find one after only being a way a couple of years, it was next to impossible. On top of which, I now have to deal with treatment and its effects again for the next 6 months or so. I don't think a job would be the best idea.

I have also said to people, "If you thought you were dying, would you want to be spending time trying to find a job? Would you want to be taking time away from other things that could wind up being more of a potential help?"

This is not to say I think I am dying - well not exactly. But the doctors have told me that they don't think the chemo will ever take care of the cancer again. What exactly does that say?

I have contemplated more than once walking away from chemo all together. I wish I could. But I am not yet ready to leave this place, and am not sure what else to do. Financially I am bound to those things that insurance pays for.

I get tired of talking about this stuff. I get tired of asking for help. I get tired of dealing with the stuff that I wouldn't have to if I had the resources to just go live whatever life I have left. It takes a lot more energy than people realize, and unlike some others who have an official mouthpiece for them and their situation, I do not. However, I am sure the mouthpieces face similar fatigue issues that I do, especially if the situation is for a prolonged length of time.

It feels like a battle weariness, even though I normally stay away from "fight" metaphors when it comes to my experience with cancer.  I think in this case it is different, though. I am not so weary from dealing with cancer itself, it is the actually having to live part that has been very hard to manage and deal and interact with.

Many people really just have no idea how much it takes, and how frustrating it can be, and how frightening it is. There really are times I think it is even worse than whatever I feel about cancer itself.

PS if you haven't yet voted for my blog today, would you please? I could win a much needed $1000, but I need votes to get there. The contest only runs until Jan 15, and you could potentially give me 2 votes each remaining day between Facebook and Twitter. Thank you. http://www.healthline.com/health/best-health-blogs-contest?badge=105


  1. Thank you for sharing a very 'real' post! Many people do not realize what it is like to go through your 'battle' on a day by day basis. It is more than just finding motivation to find a job, or be with friends, or 'act normal'. My mom had cancer and I know what it was like for her.

    As you know, there are no right answers, only what feels right for you. And those feelings, they can change day by day. What feels right today might not seem right next week.

    Thanks for sharing.

  2. Cancer is evil. It's taken so many of my friends, and I have had my share of it myself. What the world thinks is 'normal' is not. It takes a huge toll on the body. Hang in there.