Monday, January 5, 2015

Van Gogh and Tardis: A Van Gogh Moment

Every morning I wake up, and then am in bed for a while. Sometimes it is a couple of hours before I make it out of bed. Just because I am awake, it doesn't mean I have it in me to get up. There are days I don't have a choice, like when I go for treatment, but when I have a choice, I spend the first bit of the day trying to get myself going. I might make a few phone calls, or do whatever I can from a device.

This morning I was fiddling with the image I painted yesterday. I am thinking I like the update, but I am not yet sure (you can see it above, and see the original in my last blog post). Photo filters are like candy to me. I love them, and sometimes they can be too much. And sometimes they can add just the right bit of magic to the work I have done.

I have often been told not to spend time creatively, as it isn't netting me a living financially. Despite that, I have over my life I have spent time, and am now glad I did, as I have built upon what I have done. One thing I have often felt - at least in the last couple of years - is that I don't know what else I can really do, so why not listen to that inner voice?

I have created quite a body of work, and at the rate I am going, will have quite a significant number of pieces of art by the time I leave this place. What will happen to them, I often wonder? I don't really know how to protect them once I am no longer here. Who will care about them as much as I do? Will anyone care about them at all?

I saw this video today. It is a scene from Dr Who. He brings Van Gogh to a viewing of his own work, and Dr Who asks someone (an "expert?") how he rates the artist in the "history of art." The man speaks to Van Gogh as a person and how he is perceived as an artist. "Van Gogh" is visibly impacted and touched by what is said.

The comments on Facebook are all pretty much the same. Many are touched by what transpires in those few short minutes. 

Vincent van Gogh visits the Museum (Doctor Who... by PuertoLibre

My comment on Facebook? I need a Tardis. Would it have helped Van Gogh to know how his work would have been received decades later? Would it help me to know that people care about my work? I have often said I will be pissed if I come to matter after I am dead. I say it in jest, but there is a part of me that is serious. If my work and I mean something to people, I want to know now. Celebrating me after I am gone doesn't help me while I struggle to live in this moment.

I have often talked about It's A Wonderful Life Moment. (If you haven't seen the movie, please do so. You will be glad you did). It is a moment in which we find out the impact we made on another in our lifetime while we were just being ourselves. I think a Van Gogh Moment would be one in which we discovered what our life really meant to not just one, but to many...it would be the thread of who we were and what we meant to the world-at-large.

Neither one of these moments seem to be come by easily or frequently. I guess that is what can make them impactful. If they were as common as a field of sunflowers, perhaps we wouldn't pay attention as much.

But that doesn't mean we shouldn't do our best to create them for others by letting them know how much we value the things we do. Last night I was talking to a new acquaintance. She is someone who has been "stalking" me for a while now. It sounds like she really didn't know what to say, how to say it, or when. But then one day, she did introduce herself.

While it was "nice" for her to say something one day, things might have been left there. Last night she was telling me how I have impacted her. I asked her what it was that made a difference for her, and she told me. Had I not asked, I don't know if she would have said.

Last night I wasn't in a good place. It was one of many recent moments in which I am struggling to know that there IS a reason for me to be here. I have been told by people how much they value me, but more often than not, there is silence. 

My Van Gogh Moment would be a way for me to know how much value was hidden in that silence. On some level I get these reminders that I DO matter. That I do speak for many who are wounded, hurting, and having their own issues and struggles. That I speak for many who have trouble getting out of bed, who are struggling to survive, and who have questions about their life and about living it.

I wouldn't (and couldn't) say I speak for everyone. But many have told me that I have spoken their language. They have told me how much the things I have said resonated. They have told me the impact I have had on them. 

I guess if there is no one to remind me of who I can be in this world, I have to remind myself. Ha! We all know just how easy THAT is to do. But I guess I can at least try. Maybe that is partly why I write the things I do, to remind myself of the things that matter. To say things that can resonate with me.  I can't tell you how often I read something I wrote, and am amazed. That was from me? I forget pieces of art. I find some, and fall in love with them all over again.

I am not sure where I am going with all of this. But it is where my writing has taken me today. Now I have to really do a few things. I just have to. I am running out of time. It is the way things often are. I am not feeling up to doing what I need to today any more than any other day, but I have a time constraint, and it has to be done, so I have to push myself. I want to say I am glad that I at least have it in me to do that, but there is a part of me that thinks it also sucks. 

Oh well. "It is what it is," so saith They. 

PS if you haven't yet voted for my blog today, would you please? I could win a much needed $1000, but I need votes to get there. The contest only runs until Jan 15, and you could potentially give me 2 votes each remaining day between Facebook and Twitter. Thank you. http://www.healthline.com/health/best-health-blogs-contest?badge=105


  1. Thank you for a very touching and introspective view of your life. None of us really know the number of people we impact. But we do make a difference. You are making a difference. May God bless you with strength and courage in the days ahead.

  2. I've done this challenge once before and didn't particularly care for or relate to any of the articles i had to review, but this month, i am surrounded by lovely articles, such as yours, showcasing strength of fellow writers, fellow human beings, and ones that are brave enough to share their stories. I can't relate to how you are feeling and won't pretend to, but knowing that you are standing strong and facing the unknown, is admirable to anyone you come in contact with. As for the painting, if you love doing it, someone will find value in it and view these pieces as a piece of you. Not that is at all the same, but I have many friends who do not have children, and we often talk about who they will leave their personal belongings to, things that matter to them. And I am always able to find someone who admires them and would be thrilled to have a reminder of them, and they seem so surprised. I wish you all the strength you can pull from in your fight and hope that whenever you are having a bad day, know that a good one looms in the future and is waiting to celebrate with you.