Monday, January 5, 2015

What Does This Tell You?

Today has been a mixed day on so many levels. I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I am supposed to be doing something; I am just not sure what.

Should I be painting? Should I be making more jewelry? Am I just running out of time to do the things I need to do? 

Earlier I was thinking of a blog post I wanted to write. I don't remember now what it was. My mind keeps playing tricks on me. I see things, and have to do a double take because I see what isn't there. I see different words than the ones that are written. I am really just hoping it is stress, as when I go back and look again, I see what words are truly being used. Never quite had this happen as much as it has been, though.

Fascinating, if it wasn't tinged with a bit of concern.

Oh. I know what I was thinking of writing. I was wondering what it would be like to make a blog post asking people what they would do if they were me, in terms of the help I need. The problem is that many don't really know me or my situation very well, if at all, and even those who do "know" (or at least I thought did) have often asked me things I thought they were aware of.

I suppose I can't expect people to know/remember every detail of every-freaking-thing I have said and done the last couple of years, but I am not sure if I could write that blog post without trying to summarize and re-hash things I just don't want to at this point.

So...I just don't know what I am going to do. Maybe I will find a way. Maybe I will make a video. Maybe I will cry. Freak out. Oddly, it seems that many more seem to want to help when I am freaking out than when I am calmly saying I need help.

The problem is that it may look calm on the surface, but part of it is just numb. Part of it is me taking care of myself in some odd way. If I walked around as freaked out as I think I "should" be, I'd be in a lot worse trouble than when I numb myself.

I am exhausted, and just don't know what to do. I keep saying it because I am doing everything I can, hoping that somewhere, somehow, some way, some thing will click. Somehow people will find it in their heart to hear my words, and not just the scary ones.

Somehow they will hear that a person who is dealing with cancer needs help, and they will take a bit of time to try to help, or donate a little bit, even if it's just $1. Even if it is to try to help me win a blog contest that I have no hope of winning at the rate I am going, even with 699 votes at last count. Even if it is to help share about my work, and the things I am trying to sell to help myself (see an image below of a couple of new pairs of earrings that I made).

Every night before I go to bed I find myself wondering how I am going to make it. I find myself wondering what it is going to take to survive the experience of cancer. It may sound odd to say, but I am more concerned about the "business" of life right now than surviving an illness that is said likely to kill me.

What does that tell you?


PS if you haven't yet voted for my blog today, would you please? I could win a much needed $1000, but I need votes to get there. The contest only runs until Jan 15, and you could potentially give me 2 votes each remaining day between Facebook and Twitter. Thank you. http://www.healthline.com/health/best-health-blogs-contest?badge=105

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