In a Crappy Mood

It all started today when I could barely make it out of bed around noon or one. I posted this fact on Facebook. Instead of people seeing it as a not so good thing, they were like, "Yeah, that's awesome. We gotta listen to our body. We got to do that sometimes..." and things like that.

What they did not realize is that what happened today happens almost every day. What they did not realize is that I feel like crap. I am now scared that what I am feeling is more cancer related than viral. It certainly feels different. I won't know if I am right, though, as I told the doctor I do not want to know what the scans said. The fact that my tumor marker is as high as it is is enough for me to do chemo at this point.

I did not want to get out of bed, and if I was truly "taking care of myself," I probably should have stayed there, and slept. I was ready to go back only a few hours after being awake. But I haven't been able to. I have things I need to get done before chemo starts again.

It doesn't help that I live with my friend. I try very hard not to inconvenience him and make things harder, but when I feel crappy, that is really hard to even have a semblance of being able to maintain. He already has extended himself in a number of ways, I try very hard not to push it. But it adds a layer of stress, and friction, sometimes.

It probably doesn't help that I am on edge about starting chemo again, and have no idea what to expect, as it is a chemo I have never been on before. The optimist in me wants this to be my last chemo ever after this round, and not because I die, but because it kicks cancer's ass.

You can tell I am in a mood. I never use fighting metaphors when it comes to treatment or cancer. It must just be because I am tired and irritable, and freaking scared. And still have to try to do a bunch of stuff in a short amount of time. I imagine you think I shouldn't do it. I wish I could say the same thing. The problem is that not doing it now only makes things worse for me later.

This is one of those times I am acutely aware of being alone dealing with this shit.