Sunday, July 26, 2015

A Heavy Load

After staying away from posting on Facebook, something told me to post last night. One person got somewhat upset with me, given what they give/have given. I tried to explain it is greatly appreciated. It just isn't what this video talks about. I also explained that thanks to what I do get (from anyone - but especially them), things in my life aren't suckier. 

So many times when I express what I do not have, people think I am somehow not grateful for what I do have. I wish they would not go there - as nothing is farther from the truth.

The thing is, though, what I do have is not completely what a part of me desperately wishes she had. It was pointed out to me that that applies tp others, too. 

Well. Many others aren't dealing with nearly what I am. There is a difference. It is overwhelming and very difficult to try to cope with so much. I used to think things were hard before, but little did I know just how hard things could get/be. There is no comparison.

There is also no comparison between me and someone who has a devoted significant other, or devoted and nearby friends, or parents. It is so hard to do stuff on my own. 

Today I made dinner. But I had to keep sitting down. I didn't want to do it. I felt so sick. But I somehow got through it. Then I almost didn't eat. When I did, I was almost glad I had. I felt a tinge better. But I almost didn't do anything, as crappy as I felt.

It would be so much easier and better if there was someone who could do those things for me. But I do not have that. If I eat, or don't, has everything to do with how far I personally can get. There is no one to encourage or try to push me, either. That last part might be a good thing, I don't know. LOL. 

But having someone looking out for me that way would be amazing. Right now no one is invested in making sure my basic needs are taken care of. If I did not eat no one would probably even know.

I am not saying I want to relinquish control or responsibility for myself. Far from it. I just wish I had someone who could help me with this often heavy burden - and sometimes carry it for me when I feel I can barely stand.

The following is what I wrote on Facebook, and it includes a link to a video with the song that got to me.

The first time I saw this video (or at least heard this song) I was impacted. It was, however, before cancer impacted my life. I had not heard it again - until today. Today it made me sob. The support that the song expresses, and the support that many speak of I do not feel. There is no immediate community and there is no one great pillar of support or strength. There is no one carrying anything for me. I am terrified to fall/fail. This is not to say I do not appreciate what there is. It is just to acknowledge how shaky the ground is under my feet. Chemo has been kicking my ass, and I cannot begin to express how crappy I have felt. I really wish I felt I had what these people describe. There are way too many moments I feel like I am dealing with this alone. There are way too many moments I am reminded how other people are living their lives while I barely exist. There are way too many moments I feel like I just do not matter. I am not sure why I am sharing this here, but so be it. No cheerleading please. If you want to reach out, please do it outside of Fb. Being here tonight is just a blip.https://youtube.com/watch?v=ZYNOXRifXKQ

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