Friday, July 10, 2015

I want 'em back

Today is Friday. 


I thought it may be Wednesday. May be. Friday, I thought, was at least a couple of days off. I was even thinking last night about 2 things I was going to do on Friday. Two things that did not get done because I realized it was Friday too late.

Days have slipped away before, but I think this really is the worst it has ever been. Last night I dreamt that someone was giving me a test. It was something I should have been able to easily accomplish, but as the test began, I became overwhelmed, and a bit distraught. I was having difficulty understanding what was being said. Part of it was what I heard/couldn't actually physically hear, and part of it was understanding the content of what was actually being said/being asked. 

At some point I blamed it on the acoustics of the room, but then a part of me realized that he last time I took this test I hadn't been on chemo. I realized that chemo was likely messing with my ability to process and understand stuff that I had been able to previously. I really was upset.

On more than one level my ability to do stuff has been affected since dealing with this cancer stuff. I am more acutely aware of it at certain times. Times like the last couple of days and realizing how tired I still am from a treatment that was nearly a month ago now. It should be better by now, shouldn't it? Makes me wonder how I will feel in the next go round.

Plus I now have other things that I am trying to deal with in fewer days than I thought I had. 

I want my days back. If they can slip away like that, they should be able to be regenerated. I am sure the fact that I am sleeping so much bends my perception of reality more than just a bit. I should have somehow known it was Friday. I really should have.

When I think about what the doctors expected during this time, I can't help but think about just how unrealistic it was. And yet, they will likely expect it again this next time. I think I left the house once in the last several weeks. Maybe twice. Maybe it was more, and I just forget. But it would have been to pick up some groceries. There is nothing more that my life allows for at this moment. So many days I can barely function, much less get in a car and drive. 

Earlier today I got a response from someone to a letter I wrote. I had expressed how I felt, and the person interpreted it as me saying how things "should" be, and that, in some way I was telling them how they "should" feel. 

I re-read what I wrote. Is that really what I was doing? Was I really negating them in that way? I think I could see how it might be interpreted that way, and yet much of what I was saying was more about what I had been experiencing, after a couple of sentences that might have suggested that "should." It was interesting that those couple of sentences were what was focused on at length, rather than addressing the reality I was facing - which wasn't even addressed in short.

I need to go back and look at stuff again, and see what might come of it. I just did a quick glance earlier, as it is hard to really focus sometimes on lengthy things that do not originate with me. It is often hard to absorb stuff, and make sense of it all - very much like in my dream.

It truly is amazing to try to communicate with others, especially when they really tell you how they feel. It is like, how in the world did you come up with that equation? How in the world did you wind up way over there from that? It often can highlight things that we weren't even aware of. This person pointed out that I often laugh a lot when they say things, which makes them uncomfortable.

When I thought about it, I realized I probably laughed because I did not know how to react. Their response to that was to tell me how to more appropriately react. Well. That is all well and good to say, except for the fact that I was not consciously choosing to laugh. It wasn't until they said something that I even realized that that was my coping mechanism/behavior.

It seems to me that when I address how I feel, and what I am dealing with, those things are not addressed. It seems that the things on the periphery are. The "meat" is barely touched. Is this "true?" I am not really sure. Maybe I will get some clarity when I revisit it. 

I think part of my sharing this right now is a way for me to begin to process what I read, and how I feel about it, and to begin to formulate how I might respond to it. Because the fact is, on some level, I really haven't got a clue. It is almost like a person who believes in God talking to an atheist. It really is hard to find some core for the conversation. And yet, even without it, these two people still attempt to talk about something that the other really does not understand or fully appreciate.

It really isn't quite THAT bad, but there are times it feels pretty close. There are times I just really do not know what to say, and I suspect the other person feels very much the same way. And, had I not brought up the discomfort and the awkwardness, had I not brought them into the daylight, I suspect we would have continued to superficially interact, if at all. 

It is the way it goes with most people. Don't touch the awkwardness. Cover it up. Talk about anything and everything - except the damn elephant in the room. The elephant that is making so much noise, that she is practically drowning out all other conversations, but just keep going, and shout if you have to.

I guess I just can't deal with not dealing with elephants any more - at least not in my "home." But that doesn't mean I have a clue how to deal with them. It is incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. It is hard to even know what the elephant represents. I truly feel like I am grasping for stuff in the dark. The problem is that when you grasp for stuff in the dark, especially with elephants around, you don't know when you might find yourself in some poo.

In some ways I am grateful for my willingness to go there. It is only through the willingness of parties to go "there" that anything between them is possible. I also tend to believe it is a way to help me let stuff go that needs to be let go. It is a way to see stuff that might have been obscured, or even completely hidden.

But that doesn't mean I have to like it. And there are times it really sucks. And there are times it shows me just how far I have come. Like a few other things that have come from these last few years, it is one thing I couldn't be more grateful for. Just wish it hadn't taken something so sucky to have it show up.

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