Saturday, July 11, 2015

Nobody Knows

"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen..."

I am hearing the deep, mournful voice in my head right now.

I think I am having a mini-pity party for myself. I have been feeling super duper stressed about things I need to deal with, and choices that have to be made. 

The little I have chosen to speak about with others only shows me they have no clue what I am dealing with. To them, the choices are simple and obvious. 

But they are not.

Much of the reaction is what you'd get in "normal" circumstances, and all things being "equal." It really bothers me, as the way the decisions are approached is as if tomorrow will be the same as it is today, or potentially even better. I doubt those speaking see it that way, but that is often how life is lived. We generally do not think or plan for things to get worse.

The way they calculate does not include the stuff I have to consider. It does not include the fact that I am on edge every single day. Right now things are ok-ish, as I am living with my friend. But by living with him, there are things that people assume that just don't work. If I stop living with him, I am screwed, big time. I do not know where I would live, or how I would get by. As it is, my expenses may be increasing, and that is a big concern.

Times like this I can see why people would give up. There is so much stress trying to navigate the basic elements of life right now, and that is on top of having to deal with all the crap that comes dealing with cancer and treatment. If I had to add the part about where the hell would I live, I really am not sure how I would/could handle it. As it is, it is like the shark lurking in the ocean. I have to think about it. I cannot just make decisions for now, as it might cost me considerably later.

I realize as I say this, there will be those who are thinking, "yeah, but..." Whatever you are "yeah, butting" I have probably thought about. It doesn't change how I feel. Not one bit. It is entirely too difficult to explain why I feel as I do, but I try. I come off sounding ridiculous and emotional at times, I am sure. I know this because as I explain the stuff, I realize just how messed up some of it sounds.

On top of everything else, I am having to make decisions with incomplete information. It would be like trying to write on a boat in the middle of a storm. Am I making things difficult, or are they difficult?

If I am fair, maybe both. But if you were truly in my shoes, and had to deal with all the stuff I had to deal with, you'd likely feel incredibly overwhelmed, too. You might not make sense, and not even be sure how to. You might even freeze up because it is just too damn much to deal with. You could act rashly and impulsively, but you might be smart enough to try to take a step back, but that only makes things worse in some way as those things linger over your head.

To others the issues may not appear to be that big of a deal. The problem is they take those issues in isolation. They don't have a huge bucket that is already overflowing with concerns and issues. That seemingly minor issue is a lot bigger when mixed in with everything else. You spill some water, and it is a pain. But when the water is mixed with a bunch of sugar and other stuff, it is a much stickier mess to deal with, and will take more to clean up than just water. And that is content. In terms of quantity, a little splash is a lot different than enough to flood your space.

In dealing with the crap I am dealing with, I am not only dealing with flood level quantities, I am also dealing with a lot of "sticky" stuff. And the fact is no one can really truly understand just how bad it really is at times. They may have some compassion, or even empathy. They may understand a bit, but I have yet to find one single person who truly seems to get it. Part of how I know they don't "get it?" They try to tell me how to fix things, my attitude, or myself.

I don't think anyone can give me any answers, as much as I might wish someone could. There is likely nothing anyone could say that I have not somehow thought of or considered. Information coming from another doesn't magically make it the answer I need. Often, actually, it winds up frustrating me more.

So why do I talk about it, then, if I don't want another's input? Because I need to, I need to express my frustrations. I need to get it out. I don't do it much. I have learned to be pretty discerning. The problem is that there are very few "safe" avenues to get it out. And even the ones I deem "safe enough" aren't the haven I wish they could be.

There are times I truly feel like I am going out of my freaking mind.

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