Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Soundtrack Replays

Lately my mind seems to be stuck on repeat. I keep hearing things others have said replaying in my head. It is so incredibly annoying, especially since those things aren't healthy or helpful in any way.

I think I have come to the conclusion that it is giving me an opportunity to flush it out, to get rid of it, to let it go. Every time I hear the words I imagine separating myself from them. They are getting harsher and louder which I can only guess means that there is a cavern of emotion attached to them that hasn't been dealt with.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. There is a part of me that is so damn angry right now. So angry that for years I just took stuff because I didn't know what else to do. But whatever it was - it was just never right. For years I tried to deal with it, even though I desperately wanted to escape it. I just never knew how.

Dealing with cancer has become my escape hatch. It has taken me places that I would never have imagined. They are not exactly places I want to be, but they are better than the places I did not want to be before.

There is a lot of sadness attached. There are seeming oceans that may never be able to be bridged. On some level, I was treated in an abusive manner, and didn't even recognize it for what it was, while it was happening. I just recognized that it sucked. And I just kept putting up with it.

Detaching from crap should be so much easier than it seems to be.

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