Friday, July 24, 2015

Sharing and Not

Dreamt about my grandmother and aunt last night. Really not sure what the dream means, though. They are both deceased. However I loved both of them. They were surrogate mothers one and two.

As a kid, I remember telling my grandmother I would take care of her when I got older. I think she found it amusing. As it was, even as a child, I did things to "take care" of her.

I had to be an adult long before the calendar said I was one. As I got older I had moments of awareness that had me scared. What would I do if something happened to her?

She died before I graduated high school. And my aunt stepped in, kind of. It was never "perfect," as she had her own family, but she did the best she could, and was often my "go to" person, especially after my grandmother died.

I have seen a trailer for a new movie with Meryl Streep. In it, Rick Springfield's character says something like, "It's not your child's job to love you. It is your job to love them."

That line really got to me, given how things are /are not with my mom. I have often felt like she needs to take the lead, but she doesn't. I want to say more, but I am acutely aware that there are those who may read this, and take issue with the things I say.

It is a lot easier to talk about "someone " than a Significant Someone. It carries different currents when it is my mother than if it is "just" another person I deal with. If you ever wondered why I do not seem to talk about family, the above is why.

I once wrote about something that pertained to one of them. I certainly did not think I was betraying anything private - for a number of reasons. However, a person disagreed, and called me to blast me for what I had said. 

The fact is, I had not even told that person about this blog. I did not know if I wanted them to know about it. But a "helpful" friend decided to tell this person about it.

Note to anyone who wants to be a "helpful" friend, check with your friend before sharing something like a blog - especially someone close to them. If they have not shared it themselves, there might be a reason.

Given how much people ask about my family, I often feel like my lack of conversation in that regard is like an Elephant in the Room. For the forseeable future, might as well get comfortable with the elephant.

As with many things, my guess is that I am not the only one facing issues like I do. My guess is that others might appreciate/identify with/relate to the stuff I deal with. So I am sorry that I do not feel  OK to share in this regard. And this is as much for me, as it is for you. This blog is my outlet.

One of my family members even told me years ago (long before cancer) that if I ever wrote about them, they'd sue. Lovely. Right?

The fact is, I am not sure it is as simple as they think it is. But for the moment, it does not matter. If it ever does, I will find out about the legal formalities before plunging into those waters. 

It is pretty messed up. All of it. Every last bit. I even wrote about something that happened in regard to a person I barely knew. Her response to me? I was being passive aggressive. She "attacked" me in a few regards.

You might wonder if I was indeed being passive aggressive. Well. I ran by what had happened with a therapist, and was told I seemed to be handling things quite well.

It is very hard to write about "real life" stuff in a real manner when other people are involved. It is no wonder people take to writing works of "fiction" to address what happens in their lives.

It isn't my intention to hurt someone or compromise their privacy, but my intention doesn't matter when their "interpretive device" thinks they have somehow been compromised.

I get it. That is why I have often been careful about what I say. The "funny" thing is that in the anonymity, there are times someone thinks I am writing about them, when I am really writing about another.

Even writing this post, I find myself self-conscious because of who may read it. I hate that. I hate that I can't really say what I think and feel and that I must edit the expression of MY life because I don't feel I can adequately share how interactions with others affect me.

This also doesn't apply to just family, either...I really do try to be protective of those I care about. And there are other things I do not share, either, for that reason.

Being as open as I often am makes the holding back downright painful at times.

I am dealing with so much more than "just" cancer.

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