Saturday, July 18, 2015


There are times I am acutely aware of just how little life I have. Those who try to be helpful tell me to look toward the "finish line." The problem with that? There isn't one. Two years ago this September the docs made it clear that they do not think I will ever stop dealing with cancer without chemo.

Of course, that precludes any potential miracles and spontaneous remissions. But, in their world, and within their perspective, there is no end in sight.

What does one do when there is no finish line to aspire to? I had that once - the first go round with chemo. It was supposed to be 6 cycles, and then done. And it was, for a heartbeat. Since then I have been dealing with treatments and doctors and chemo a hell of a lot more than I would like to.

The doctor offered me a stimulant that would give me energy. The problem with it? I don't want to be full of energy when I am feeling crappy. That would be torture. 

This cycle is already different than the last one. I am actually eating more than pretzels. I am awake a bit more, too. But I am not sure that is a good thing, as I can't really do anything. And even worse, I am  acutely aware of those around me living their lives. 

It makes me kind of emotional at the moment. This is why sleeping is a good thing. It is a great way to avoid all of these things that tumble through my brain. Things I can do nothing about. And - even worse - the realization that there is nothing I can do about those things only makes me feel more down.

How does one live when all one can seem to do is exist?

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