Monday, July 27, 2015

I don't know...

I don't know how much more I can take.

I really am having a hard time. I really just don't know what more I can withstand.

I feel like I could really snap.

I think about Bobbi Kristina. There is so much question about what happened in her last conscious moments. 

It sounds like she was going through some hell. What if she decided to just end it all herself in the bathtub, just like what happened with her mom?

It could have been a desperate choice made in a very vulnerable moment. A choice she could never take back, and was all too willing to make as an escape from her suffering.

All speculation on my part, of course. But I find my self empathetic to that scenario. 

I read the guy who recently shot people in the movie theatre was with a pastor (or some religious leader) and crying a week before he did what he did. He was depressed. He asked for help. The man was in pain, and he snapped. Sadly, he took others with him.

I sometimes feel like I cry out in the dark. Those who don't understand me, think things are so clear cut, so simple. Their reactions cut like a knife. It isn't intentional of course. It is well-meaning, but it doesn't help one bit.


Found a couple people to sob with. Am exhausted now. Of course, no one knew what to say. So they listened. They acknowledged. And we talked about other things.

Am having many more heartwrenching cries and moments lately. I could just look at it as a release instead of mini earthquakes leading to the Big One. I could. I really could. It is in the realm of possibility. The fact is, though, they are getting scarier.

Greatful right now, though, for whatever form of calm this is. 

No comments:

Post a Comment