Thursday, July 2, 2015


I slept most of today. Sometimes it just happens. I got up briefly, but when I returned to bed, I slept for several more hours. When I awoke, I was up a bit, but easily fell back to sleep several more hours. I hope that doesn't mean I will be awake tonight. That will really suck. I often feel my worst at night for some reason.

Totally unrelated, but on my mind: I heard Bobbi Kristina did not feel loved. She claimed the only one she ever felt loved by was her mother, and how she could lay in her arms and feel that feeling. It got me thinking about myself. My grandmother was that for me. If I lay with her it was very comforting. But I am not sure when that ended. 

Becoming an adult at such a young age never afforded me the foundation of support one might think a child could benefit from. The one person I knew loved me died, and the whole rest of my world became that much more uncertain. 

I have had to be strong and independent most of my life. This cancer thing is wreaking havoc on me. If I can't be for myself, who can be? Some tell me I don't have to be "that" strong, but it is not like I am declining help. 

It is scary being in the world mostly by yourself. I am told I am not "alone," though. A lot of who we are is who we have been taught to be. I have been taught that survival means keeping going. That it means *I* have to take care of me. It isn't what anyone told me, but rather what no one around me taking care of anything meant. At least...what I made it mean.

Once again, I am facing something that I have believed like forever, and am uncertain what to do about it, with it. Being an engaged, responsible, human being willing to face much of life's crap is certainly not for wimps.

It sucks. It might get better, but then it sucks some more. And then something else sucks. And, if perchance you think I am being "negative" by saying this, the fact is I am pretty much describing life. It is just that we occasionally let ourselves forget just how miserable things and other people can sometimes be. Sometimes it is unconscious. Sometimes it is a conscious choice. But, any which way, even if we deny it, life has an element of suck, just like it has elements of love and joy and profund empathy.

It is one big pot of stuff, and we never quite know when we will get a bowl full of bitter. As long as we are here, and still living, there will be those who will tell us we gotta keep going. But there are those who give up, give in, give over. I have read of people who could identify just when "that" moment occurred. That moment when death was welcomed over life.

All bitter, unpleasant moments are hardly Dance with Death moments. But dealing with cancer, I sometimes think it can be a more frequent partner. 

And, to further complicate things, there are all kinds of mini-deaths that can happen. I have experienced many over the last 3 years, in particular. A life changing moment is a "death."

The me of 3 years ago is long gone. I don't know if anyone other than myself mourns her loss. It is not to say she was "better" than I am, but there are certainly aspects of her and her life that have been demolished, and replaced by things that would not have ever been consciously chosen. There are things that have shown up since that came from the destruction. They are things I am grateful for. It isn't "all" bad.

There are times I am not really sure who I am. I am somewhere between who once was, and who I will become. All of us are, and yet it is all too easy to get so caught up in the now that we don't see anything but what we think is - or isn't. Since the now is all we have, and we have no way of knowing what we will become, there truly is no greater measure of who we are than "now."

Why am I saying this? I have no clue. I am just feeling kind of lost today, and I suppose it is a part of me trying to find my way. Earlier today I felt so out of it, so displaced, so unfocused, uncentered, disconnected. I am only a smidge better now. And, of course, the fact that I physically feel like crap certainly isn't the least bit helpful to the big picture.

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