Sunday, July 26, 2015



I just read something about choice. How choice is why we have what we have in life, and how - if we don't like it - we should just choose something else.


It is just that simple.

I imagine that there might be something to that idea, but I am not sure about it being an absolute. Well. Actually. Until someone can prove that we can just choose away whatever we want to choose away - no matter what it is - I will say that statement is no where near absolute.

And yet, there will be those who will act as though it is absolute. Therefore, anyone who is dealing with something has chosen it, and "obviously" on some level wants it. And if that is not the case, then they must be doing something wrong in terms of their choice making.

It could even be that the choice pre-dated this life. But that still means we chose what we have.

Is that true, though?

Can it be true? Possibly. But is it?

How would we ever know for certain? It certainly is in some ways more comforting to think choice is involved. Otherwise life might seem too randomly scary. Plus we seemingly have control that way. If we don't want something, we choose the things we think will keep that something at bay. For those who never experience that something, it obviously "worked."

We human beings don't like feeling like we are out of control. For that reason, I think - I suspect - we create all kinds of beliefs that suggest that we have it. And to compensate for those times it doesn't seem to work, or those it doesn't seem to work for, we come up with reasons that blame it on the person. They didn't do it right. They don't really want it.Their unconscious thinks otherwise, and is sabotaging them.

But it's not like we can go up to our sub-conscious, and ask what is going on. To believe that idea is to believe in torture. You are guided by something you can't seem to get to. You may have the desire, but no matter what you do, how you do it, no matter how much you try, nothing has changed. 

Now what the heck?

That seems very cruel to me. Hide something so you can't get to it. Make it even harder to find because you don't even know what you are looking for. But tell the person they know what it is, that they CAN find it, and that they must find it because whatever this unknown, hidden thing is driving them.

Does that sound insane? I know there have been times I have felt insane when in this dynamic.

I truly do not know what to believe about anything - and especially not the things I cannot seem to control in my life.

My thinking and beliefs have run full circle. At least, I think they have. And I find myself feeling rather empty. I do not know what to believe at this point.

I suspect life could be some mysterious, mystical combination of things only made mysterious and mystical to keep us guessing. If we knew The Answers, would it be GAME OVER? 

Imagine what the world world would be if each person had The Answers to creating their desired reality. Even those with very disparate beliefs than our own would have them, too.

Would the world seem even crazier than it is now? Who gets to "win?" Who "wins" now? Most games end when a winner is declared. By default, that also means a loser is also declared.

No one likes to lose.

Some people feel they have to win - at all costs.

In one of the broadest senses, life is perceived as winning and death is perceived as losing. But there are contexts in which death is experienced as a victory, especially if others die with him.

I don't know about you, but it is difficult for me to be sure about anything when context can change everything. Of course, there will be those who will claim certainty by denying any context - and resulting reality - that does not fit theirs.

I stopped writing earlier to talk to a friend. I fell apart during our conversation. I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. I think I cry at least once most days. Some days it is "just" a few tears. Other days, it is gut-wrenching sobs.

Some may think this/me negative. I am not sure that that is the case. I imagine feeling like crap, with chemo running through my body does not help. I have said more than once that I think the emotional/mental impact of the chemicals of chemo are understated - if "stated," at all.

So...any way...I am not really sure where I was headed. As so often is the case, I was off on a tangent. 

I wish I could wrap it up in a neat bow, but that would presume an answer I do not have. And, as also often is the case, right now I have many more questions than answers.

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