Monday, March 16, 2015

I hope...

Once again I am scanning my doodles. I am now in the 80s. If I had to guess at this point how many I have, I would say 120. Let's see how close I am to being right when the "final" tally is in. I have so many ideas for my "stuff," in some ways I really just don't know where to begin, and yet...I have.

There is so much administrative stuff that needs to be done. I think people have no idea what it takes to do what seems to be so simple. After I scan the doodles, I have to catch up on my artwork, too.

I haven't done that much to create new artwork in the last couple of weeks, and maybe that is a good thing, as I try to get to some workable place in terms of the administrative stuff.

Scanning Doodle 90. 

There are so many things that cross my mind to write about. They come and they go, and sometimes they come back, and sometimes I can't remember that "brilliant" idea I once had. I guess I have come to the point that if something is supposed to be written, I will remember it. At least that is what I will tell myself to feel better. :P

Today I was putting together some bookmarks. As I was doing it, I was thinking about how grateful I am that I can do the things that I can do. If I couldn't do anything, I would be in sooo much trouble.

But the thing is, I am still in trouble, and in some ways I think I am more in trouble because of the things I seem to be able to do. I think people think that I am capable and fine, and why would they want to help me.

As I was thinking these things, I had a TERROR pang. Will people help me if I ever get to the point that I can't help myself? I don't think many - if any - that I know realize how terrifying any version of "The End" is for me, at least as it applies to going out of this life dealing with cancer.

It is something I have a hard time thinking about. At the same time, the thoughts come in as there are definitely things I need to think about and plan, if what comes at the end, and after my death mean anything to me. The problem is I still don't know how to plan for a lot of it.

How does one simultaneously live life and plan for death, while in the midst of "survival?" Am I being artistic for me, and for my life, or am I doing things that are meant to live on after I am gone? If the latter, how do I insure that that will happen? I know of no one who will be anywhere near as invested in my stuff as I am. It could all wind up in a corner, or worse, in the trash, and I really don't want that to happen.

Is it my ego talking? I don't know. But what I do know is that my work speaks to people on a heart and soul level, and for whatever it is worth, I would like it to live on, even when I don't.

My life is like a big corporation. There are so many facets that I really need departments to head and be responsible for, but I don't. For what it is worth, I am managing to do things now, but at times, I am barely functioning. I am in a rush to get things in when I can actually function. Earlier today I fought going to sleep because I had things I wanted/needed to do, but could barely move.

Now I am managing to do a couple of things at (almost) the same time.

Doodle 94.

Whatever it is, it never feels like enough, and probably because in many ways it really isn't. There are things that don't get done, but really should. I have to hope that I don't get bitten in the butt as a result.

I really try to relay the things I deal with, but it isn't always easy to do. Sometimes it is hard for me to face. Sometimes it is difficult to convey the intricacies of a life that must do different cancer dances. Sometimes it is the jive, other times, it's the waltz. Other times, it is the yet un-named dance that might look more like a spasm. It may seem like one dance to an outsider, but it is anything but, and yet there are times full attention and focus is on one thing only, and is dictated by wherever cancer's attention calls.

In many ways, it is a lot like what those without cancer deal with. The difference, if I was going to say there is one, is an undercurrent of death being closer than most ever want it to be, and the fact that there is little to no income coming in, with little possibility that it ever will.

It is not like one dealing with chemo and treatment can just go out and get a job. Even if I wanted to, my guess is that employers wouldn't exactly be jumping at hiring me. Plus, if you thought you might not get to live much longer, would you be wanting to spend what time you had looking for a job? My guess? I don't think so. It would be different if you had a job to go back to, perhaps. But if you didn't have one to begin with?

There are those who are quick to judge what they think they know of me. One person recently jumped on me about what she perceived about my situation. What I found interesting was that her Facebook page was full of "game stuff." It would be great if I could just play games, and "trust" that everything will work out. She obviously has a very different situation than I do. I can't tell you the last time I played any games.

I pretty much eat, sleep, and do what I can creatively to help myself, and that is most of what my life is these days. I don't get to do much else because physically I am limited. But finances are most certainly a huge reason, too. Heaven help me if I am asking for "survival" money, and actually do something that costs money.

There will be those who would judge me in a heartbeat. It won't matter if someone else paid. It won't matter if I charged it, and added to my huge mountain of debt. It has already happened. Everything I do is scrutinized. Every-freaking-thing that I do, and don't do. Why doesn't she...?

My ideal at this point is to find people who want to buy my work, and to do as much of it as I can, while I can (which I hope happens to be a long time to come), and not have to ask for another dime of "support." That way I can just live my life. People will still judge, but I won't feel as obligated to try to explain things to anyone, and I can stop being defensive about things I have no reason to feel defensive about.

If my life is coming to a close, I don't want to be messing with so much of the crap I have had to mess with. Unfortunately I have had no choice. If the time ever comes that I really can't function, I am going to have to hope the end comes really quickly and/or people have a heart.

What scares me is that there are those who already have me dead who don't want to help for that reason. I hope I have nothing to be scared about...but...

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