Monday, March 2, 2015

This Might Be A Question for You

If my hair wasn't already falling out from chemo, I might be pulling it out. My stress level just ratcheted up several notches, as I was just checking my bank account balance. I had made an intentional decision to lay off direct requests for help, as well as the "heavier" posts for a bit, knowing that it was not only not welcome, but also not likely helpful in any way.

I just decided to do it, and hold my breath. Maybe some sort of miracle would come. Maybe my Cedonaah work would start to sell. Maybe there would be a turn in the road, and I would be OK.

Instead, I am on the precipice of being out of money. I am in the midst of treatment, and despite appearances - not as functional as many might think. And I have been thinking that I wanted to write a post that I am not sure will do me any favors. At the same time, it feels like I should. It has been gnawing at me, actually.

Here is the thing: over and over and over and over I have asked for help. Even just $1 could have an incredible impact. I can't help but smile when someone hears me and sends $1. It means so much more than those who have an income will likely ever know.

Out of those who have likely seen my pleas, only a small percentage have actually taken some sort of action to help me financially. While no one is obligated to do so, it is slightly befuddling to me - and others - as to why not even $1 is forthcoming to someone who has this need. Surely people want to help someone dealing with cancer, right?

Add to this, I have extended many options that could help my cause, and perhaps offer something in return for the nod of support: GreatFoodEscape.com, SometimesitSuckstobeHuman.com, items on Facebook.com/Cedonaah, Relatingtocancer.com/mp3s.html.

I also set up a page on Patreon.com/Jolope, asking for support for the work that I do that so many tell me they appreciate. Just $1 per month. Usually at least one thing is valued during the month, whether it is my blog, a video, my Cedonaah work...asking $1 in exchange, that isn't so unreasonable, is it?

I also created magnets that people could use to fundraiser for me...but instead of it being, "I know someone who is dealing with cancer, and needs help. Look at this great magnet for a $1, can you help?" It has become something people feel awkwardly needs to be "sold," so it has gone no where fast.

And despite my myriad of ideas and attempted pursuits, silence is the biggest reception I receive, outside of crickets, when I dare ask for help financially. How do you pay your bills? With prayers of support? With cheerleading? Or with cold, hard cash? 

I need cash. 

I have said countless times I hate to ask. If I could make it in my own, you would hear nothing from me in this uncomfortable regard. But I can't seem to. So what am I supposed to do? I just really have no clue at this point.

No clue, other than to ask those who have ignored my pleas for even just a $1 why they have ignored me. It is an awful question, and it puts people on the spot. But, here is the thing...there are all kinds of reasons we do/don't do whatever is done/not done. Some are more about us than they are about the other person. Those that are about you are none of my business. 

But there are reasons that you may say have to do with me, and those I would want to know. I do not think I can change anything about me or my situation at this point, but if I knew there was a tweak I could make that could impact your willingness to help support me during this impossible time, it might just be worth it. 

In some way, I don't want to ask. Do you know how much unhelpful, unsolicited advice and opinion I get about what I should do, as if I was a person seeking to market a business, rather than "just" a person seeking to survive cancer? The fact that I am trying to help myself seems to muddy the waters, and yet if I just "sat back" and asked for help, is something many are critical of. MANY. 

Apparently, one is never supposed to ask for help. Are these single people who are on their own, without some sort of family/significant other support? I don't think so. Anyone in a situation like mine would be compelled to extend themselves into this uncomfortable place to be able to survive. 

It isn't exactly an ego boost to have to ask for "just a $1." I often feel like a beggar on the street. Had the weather cooperated before I began chemo, I was considering going onto the street with a sign, seeking attention/support. Did I want to do it? Hardly. But it is hard to know just what to do when you have tried to do as much as I have, and am undergoing treatment for cancer. 

So. If you are a person who has declined to act, I'd like to ask you if you will tell me why not. As I said previously, I'd only want an answer if it was something that had to do with me. I am particularly interested in your answer if you are a person who is generally interested in making a difference for others. I'd also be interested, if, in particular, you think my work is good, or that you think me a good person, or if you are someone who has said they care about me.

What is it about me/this situation that holds you back from helping to make a difference with even just a $1? 

FYI...for various reasons, I would prefer private replies. Thank you for any potential response, and for your time reading this.

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