Instead of going over stuff that I felt would ultimately be unproductive, I just decided to begin anew-ish. It is really hard to be so public about things that are said. Sometimes you can't take them back. Sometimes all you can do is recognize how incomplete the things you thought were complete were. Sometimes all you can do is recognize the fact that you were so far gone into your own fears and feelings and emotions that you were saying things you thought made sense, and had value, but they really didn't. Sometimes you know you had a point in there somewhere, but you want to apologize for how what you said came off, and how you may not have relayed something with the grace you had hoped to have.
Many times when I write things, I struggle. I struggle because buttons are pushed. I struggle because I fight my own fears. I struggle to be objective about things that in some ways I can hardly be objective about these days. And there are times blog posts aren't published because I can't quite get wherever "there" is supposed to be. I struggle to make sense of things that don't always seem to make sense. I struggle with connecting things I think are related, but there is no obvious clarity around their relationship. I struggle because I know there will be those who will judge me for not only what I say, but what they think they hear. I struggle for so many reasons, and it would be so much easier and safer in some ways if I allowed the struggle to silence me. A part of me is even a bit embarrassed by what I had written. I should have known better. Right?
But, I just have to remind myself that I am a human being who is prone to do things like this. It doesn't make me bad. It only makes me human. There was a time the two things were as one, and the fact that I believed it about myself kept me from being myself - especially with other people watching. To dare to do a blog like this was impossibly scary and, as a result, couldn't have been farther far from it ever happening.
I have never once said I was perfect, other than to say I was perfectly myself. That certainly won't be changing any time soon. I just am not thrilled when there are reminders of that fact. I guess the "good" thing is that I did actually catch myself, and was able to make it "righter" than it was. Is it actually "right?" who the heck knows? In some ways it didn't feel like me talking. Maybe it was just a part of me I am not used to.
I don't know. There is a lot I don't know. I just occasionally act like I think I know a thing, or two, and occasionally, a person, or two, might just agree with me.
Ugh. And oh well.
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