I am stressed about my financial situation.
I have been crying a lot the last couple of days.
My oncologist pissed me off, and I found myself HATING him.
I am stressed about treatment.
I am stressed about the quality of my life.
I am stressed about everything I am trying to do to survive, while feeling like I barely am.
I am emotionally, physically, financially depleted, and at times, feel utterly devastated.
I am acutely aware that life is not "handled" in any shape, way, or form.
I feel isolated. Lonely. Feeling like "everyone" is living their life, and making plans for a future, but me.
I feel overwhelmed by every facet of my life. I am doing as much as I can, but feeling like I am only able to do enough to keep myself from totally going under, and am terrified that at some point I will go under any way...if not via cancer, via trying to survive the facets of life itself.
I feel like I have tried to do so many different things, but nothing seems to be really clicking, and I just don't know what else to do, and am exhausted in the doing of what I have done.
I feel like very few, if any, truly understand or appreciate, the complete package that is currently my life, and the challenges that I face. I find myself telling people that we are relatable, which I truly believe we are. But then I try to find ways to explain why what they think of my reality, and how to "fix" it, doesn't really work. It may be relatable, but it is not the same. I find myself feeling like I need to "defend" my faults, my inadequacies, the results of "my" illness and treatment.
I am aware of the fact that feelings and emotions at a time like this aren't the "truth" or the absolutes they seem to be, but I am also aware that the logic that creates that awareness and statement is also worth absolutely nothing at the moment.
I am also crying, again.