It is something I think we learn to tune out to the best of our ability, as we are inundated by it. As I try desperately to survive financially, I wind up "offering" my jewelry and other things as a "trade" for some financial offering a person may make.
I am not trying to sell jewelry. I am not trying to sell recipes. I am not trying to sell my book.
My "things" are not about the things themselves, they are about my trying to survive.
For many, that is part of my problem. I should be trying to sell them. They should be made to be more about you. I should market them differently.
Imagine if you were not healthy. How would you feel about having to effectively market something for your survival. How does the thought of that make you feel?
Now also consider the irony that there are those who would suggest that you use your illness as a form, a piece, of the marketing. And the fact is, you have, indeed, spoken of it, but it did not seem to have much of an impact, either, because like selling/business, there seems to be all too much of it these days, and it, too, is often tuned out.
And suppose it is your approach that isn't working, period. How would you feel when most days you feel like you are drowning, and can barely eek out a "help," much less something more formalized/acceptable/effective?
How does a person who has limited health and resources, a person in great need, effectively ask for help? Is that a question that should even have to be asked?
There are times like this I am beside myself. I get concerned I am going to drown while many watch.
No matter what I say, how I say it, what I do, what I don't do, at the core I am only doing the best I can. And you know what? It is so very damn difficult.
I often find myself on repeat. Some would say that is a form of insanity, a part of me might agree - if it wasn't for the fact that I think a lot of times what I share is not seen.
So...did you catch that? Here I am talking about how people seem to ignore stuff, but then I say it isn't seen. Which is it?
Both.
At least, it is what it seems to be. I have been told the reactions of others when some I know have asked for help on my behalf. I know there are many who know what I am dealing with, and have offered the only currency they feel they can - prayers.
People, I think, don't know what to do, so they sometimes do nothing. Or they do what they think will help, which may be no help at all. I have even been criticized for asking for the currency of money more than once by more than one person.
As difficult as this all is, I have offered to try to even help others who have a need with my work. But, so far, no one has taken me up on it. I am not sure why. In a couple of cases, though, the idea that it is something to "sell" seems to be at issue.
I would much rather make a "trade" than flat-out ask for help. Unfortunately these days neither approach seems to be effectively helping me.
I am teetering in a way that those who have also teetered seem to understand the best. They are also the least able to help.
Those who are in the best position to help will often find reasons not to when they look at everything but the fact that there is a person who is in need that they could help.
I wish there was something I could say that would matter. I wish there was something I could say that would help.
I have been told I shouldn't care what others say or think. It is a good thought, in theory. But when you need the help of others to survive, those people are not so easily disregarded.
On top of that, as long as we continue to accept the silence many have around this stuff, the less likely anyone is to get the help, understanding, compassion they need. There are too many others - dealing with all kinds of things, including cancer - who are faced with similar issues.
I would like to think there is a way to help the situation. I don't know what it is, but I am fairly certain silence is not part of it.
I know I likely would never have been this verbal about things if I wasn't in a position to have to speak up. I suppose it is something that is both "good" and "bad." But it is also a lot of other things, including exhausting.
What it comes down to is that I am a person - a human being - that needs the help of others to get by right now.
Ugh. I have no idea what to say any more. As often is the case, we want to believe that if others only understood where we are coming from they would act differently. But the thing is, and this piece is tough to get - that people may very well "get" it, and just not want to do anything any differently.
Where does change come from? When I speak from the place I am now, I am often discredited because of my own self-interest. If I was healthy and working that would sound sad, but then I would probably shrug it off, and keep going. After all, what could I do to change anything?
This is creating a whole other hole I am just not up to going into...I just had to write this morning, as I am fighting depression. I needed to get this stuff out, even if no one is listening, or acts in a way to help.
A drowning person makes noise, and maybe it is because she doesn't want to drown. She knows she can't likely save herself, so maybe it is a way of drawing attention to someone who could potentially be one to help save her.
Some would say we need to save ourselves. But I don't know that we can. We may think we have that power and control, but I suspect it is just an illusion that gets dispelled the minute the things we think are in our control show us how much they are connected to others, and the bigger picture.
This is not to say we shouldn't do whatever we can, by the way...just that we can't necessarily do all that we've been told we can. And I am not sure that is the "bad" thing we have sometimes made it out to be.
Although at times like this, it can be downright sucky, and I can see why we would want desperately to believe that we can rescue ourselves. It is a much better fantasy than the one that has us drowning without receiving the help we need.
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