Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Trying to be Productive

I am sitting at my computer, attempting to be productive. I am a bit annoyed with myself, as I went to scan a number of my doodles, only to realize after having scanned 20+ of them, I was making PDFs, and not image files. I guess the good thing is that I didn't get all the way through what is likely 60+ that way without realizing it. But still.

It is a struggle to do this kind of work any more. A big struggle. Not sure what the difference is. Although the having to think and focus part never mixes well with chemo.

I am sitting in a messy room. I should probably clean it while I feel a bit more like myself, and before chemo zaps me again, but energy-wise, I feel like I really just want to go back to bed. The fact that I am still sitting here is an accomplishment. I want to at least get through one book of doodles before I stop. Will I make it, I wonder as I glance over at the slowwww scanner.

So many, too many, things are going through my mind, and my body isn't happy. Constipation seems to be this chemo's friend. I haven't yet figured out how best to deal with it, and it can often make me quite miserable in the process.

I was thinking about the stuff that I have written about the last several years. In some ways, there really is nothing "new." Many times it feels like I am a broken record.

(...scanning Doodle 20...)

I added a badge today from the blog contest I had entered. They gave me a link to one that said "Top 10" (I finished #8). I was thinking about the woman who won. She had the backing of another woman dealing with breast cancer that won the contest last year. I don't know if that is the reason she won, but I am sure it certainly did not hurt.

In considering these things, I was thinking about how little attention ovarian cancer gets. I posted at some point a few statistics about these "sister" cancers. One of the statistics showed that the ratio of deaths to incidents of the illness for ovarian cancer is a lot higher than breast cancer. One of the reasons for this is likely to be the fact that ovarian cancer is often caught extremely late in the game.

As I think about anything I want to say, I think about how often things I say are construed in a way that I am "jealous." Am I jealous of the "appeal" of the breast cancer "appeal?" Not at all. It is difficult to convey something standing alone. We seem to understand things better when they are contrasted and compared with something else.

(...scanning Doodle 23....)

But when we compare things we can also be found lacking or wanting or jealous or...

In some way, that one woman played "Big Sister" to the other woman. Do I wish in some way there was someone who was "out there" in a big way when it comes to ovarian cancer who would pull me up in awareness, too? Why wouldn't I? I don't know if there is anyone. I have tried writing to a few celebs who have been known to be dealing with the illness, but have not had any sort of response.

It is so hard to know how to "play" this game. If I was on the "Other Side" of things, and wasn't dealing with cancer, it would be a lot different in some ways. Being in the midst of it, my voice is not only muted, and seemingly more biased (and maybe it IS more biased, who knows?), it is weaker from the standpoint that I have to pick where my energy goes. I can't always advocate for others when I am trying to survive myself. Plus, the waters get muddied when I do try to do that, and my voice and message get lost in what others assess about me in the process.

The woman who has been a voice in regard to breast cancer is dealing with Metastatic breast cancer. There is a lot of conversation I have noticed about those who are living with that label. The message is "don't forget about us." In thinking about it, I think there are a lot of "causes" that have a "don't forget about us" message in the background.

Whenever someone is dealing with something for any length of time it is probably all too easy for others to tune it out, or interact with it in a way that they think they know and understand more than they actually do.

Given how I am feeling at the moment, I think my body is "flirting" with depression. There is a part of me that thinks, "What's the point? Why bother? No body cares. No one's listening. Why bother saying anything? Does anything I say even make sense any way? Am I just babbling?" I am feeling very heavy, and a bit confused, too.

(...Trying to scan Doodle 27; dang scanner is hiccuping...)

I want to go to sleep so badly...

I am likely going to have to give in sooner than I want to, as I am getting annoyed. I actually have a bit of cleaning up to do downstairs from my earlier cooking. I try not to leave too much of a mess for when my friend gets home. During the day sometimes it can get a bit messy and out of control. When it is just me, it doesn't matter. But I try not to make too many issues/waves with him, given it's his house, and it's his courtesy that allows me to be here.

(...Doodle 29...)

PS have you seen Patreon.com/JoLoPe? Please take a look, if you haven't. Thank you.

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