I just...

I just renewed my car registration, and used my credit card. I didn't really want to. I charged a lot of stuff recently in my attempts to buy the stuff I need to make my art and jewelry. The "good" piece is that I have the ability to do it. But it is also the "bad," as it isn't free money, and adds to the amount of money that I must pay out each month from mostly non-existent funds.

Many have told me to file for bankruptcy. They say it almost flippantly, like it is no big deal. What they don't realize is that the repercussions could make my life even harder. If, by some miracle, I pull off a miracle and get better, a bankruptcy could make it difficult for me to even get a place to live on my own.

And that is about a possible future. What about the present? If I didn't charge the stuff I have, I wouldn't be able to have a car to drive. I wouldn't have things to try to sell. I sometimes wouldn't have food to eat.

At some point it will catch up to me, and I may have no choice but to do it. The sad thing about this all is that I was within 6 months of paying off all of my debt when cancer decided to announce its presence. If only I could have gotten there. I could have used the money I use to pay bills to actually pay for things.

I don't even want to think about how much debt I have at the moment.

Another thing that nudges at the back of my mind is the fact that people probably think I am more OK than I am, seeing the things I do. It's not that I am OK. I just occasionally have to close my eyes, jump in, and hope for the best.

If you were me, my guess is you would, too, as the alternative is even worse.

PS Have you seen Patreon.com/Jolope? If you like me/my work, please help me to help myself. You can do it for as little as $1 per month, and can cancel any time. Thank you.