Things are going to change. Things need to change. I am not sure what will happen, but I have to hope something good.
Yesterday I also announced that I planned to leave Facebook for a time. It isn't a good bye, but future contact is up to others - especially if we have no offline contact info.
I only want those who are supportive of me in the picture right now. I also feel that Facebook is not a positive, affirming place to be, so I want to get away from it all together. Someone had suggested a small group for supportive people, but that would mean having to go there, and right now I just don't want to.
When I was away when I wrote my book, it was awesome. It really was. I am hoping to recapture that, and more, now.
I am disheartened by what is my current reality. Even though I am ok at times, there are other times I am a sobbing mess.
I have been saying for a while that I am tired. I feel it - and mean it - more than ever. I can barely function, and yet 3 more months of a new chemo (to me) are around the corner.
So...regarding ACIM (A Course in Miracles) I thought it might be interesting to share my experience of the workbook as I go through it. There is one exercise per day.
Provided I continue it, provided I remember to do it, provided I remember to share, provided it doesn't become an obligation, pain or weight on my already over-burdened shoulders, I figure I will post what happens.
I feel like I am already making excuses for why it may not happen. And perhaps I am. I am really struggling with the idea of what comes next. I am also acutely aware of all of the times I had desires and intentions and did not completely follow through for a myriad of reasons, not the least of which is that I "merely" forgot.
I share this stuff as a way of sharing the struggle I face. Yesterday someone told me not to think a certain way about something. So easy for her to say - and I told her as much.
Yesterday's Day One was about creating an awareness about how nothing has any meaning. The idea was to interact with the things in my life, thinking about how they are without meaning.
This idea would have sounded pretty radical/wild to me, had I not already been introduced to it when I did a self-help course several years ago. It was a bit hard to grasp initially, after all everything means something, or so we think. If you take away the idea of the meaning, it is like taking away the foundation you're standing on. That meaning guides you, your thoughts, your actions and feelings.
Take away that meaning, and suddenly, it can feel discombobulating and disorienting. The "sun" you were revolving around is suddenly gone.
Having said that, one day on a lunch break, I went out and bought a bracelet. The meaning I assigned to the bracelet was to have it be a reminder to me that nothing had any meaning - except for the meaning I gave it. By wearing it, I hoped to remind myself of this idea.
Even though I have been aware of this idea for years now, and have an appreciation of it, there are times I suspect I get caught up in stuff and forget it, or am super-duper attached to whatever that meaning is because of what I somehow get from it.
If only logically knowing things "fixed" us, the world would be a different place. But it isn't that simple. Sometimes we may get "lucky," but many times there is more than we know - or want to know - involved.
Yesterday I used as a reminder of what I already "know," when I remembered to do it. From what I think I remember, the book says the first half is about unlearning things. The second half, I think, is about creating a different way to think. I have heard a change in perspective is how a miracle is defined.
I kinda think I might need a bit more than that at the moment, but who knows? Certainly doing this exercise can't be a bad thing.