Saturday, June 27, 2015

I do (and I don't)

I do, and I don't, want food. It is a hell of a paradox. A being whose presence in this world has everything to do with food currently is grappling with the issues that is has as a result of eating it. 

So. First of all, I am "supposed" to eat. Second of all I "need" to eat. Third of all, I WANT to eat.

It has been weeks of discomfort in that regard, but the last one worse than any other. Food that goes in doesn't seem to be able to work itself out. So once I do things to encourage it, it comes running out. This; provided I am even awake to eat, or have an appetite, or am without horrible waves of nausea.

In the last week I have not eaten much at all, and hard sourdough pretzels have been my go to food. Not thrilled about this, but it really is the only thing I can count on. That, and the Recharge drink which is really more expensive than I should do right now, but I have to. I need the electrolytes.

This morning I had egg fried rice for breakfast. The most "complicated" meal in a week. I cooked the rice in homemade chicken broth with a bit of coconut oil, and stuck it in the fridge last night. I read somewhere that doing that (the fridge and the coconut oil) helps it be more digestible somehow. I couldn't know for sure, but I suspect it does matter - given the few times I have tried it. 

Because the refrigeration makes it better to cook with I have often refrigerated it when I had the time, I did not know about the coconut oil part. There is a slight coconut oil taste, but it mixes well with the sesame oil and soy sauce.

I had made a cup and a half of rice, which I knew would be too much. But I had hopes that it would potentially be able to be eaten over the course of a few meals/a few days. Before eating it, I took several supplements, including digestive enzymes and gas-x. I added some garlic and peas, and hoped that I would not be writhing and crying in pain over it later.

It felt like a rather big experiment to take on in some ways, and, yet, most of the ingredients - the broth, the rice, the eggs, were fairly safe bets, at least if they had been on their own. I am feeling a lot better than I did yesterday, which was a HUGE step back day for me. I was so weak, and slept most of the day, and pretzels and watermelon was all I had to eat. Cutting up the watermelon, and making the rice, took everything out of me that I had left, and then some.

As I share all of this stuff, I think about how there are those who read my words and think, "there she goes, focusing on the negative." When I think about recent blog posts, they would likely cumulatively been seen that way. I am not sure it is all that those would have it be, as thingsi people do not want to hear can often be misconstrued as "negative," when in actuality, they are "fact."

Added to this is the question about what else I could write about. I could write about the incredible storms we have had lately. I could write about my friend's cat. I could write about my coleus plant. I suppose I could find other things to write about, but when I write I am writing about what is immediately present for me. It is a way of releasing and discharging the reality I am facing. To do anything else would be a ridiculous exercise in denial that I already know won't work for me. 

It might be something a reader would prefer. Ironically, though, someone who read my book said it should be "more" about cancer. While you might not like my "negative" stuff, my guess is you would hardly find the other things interesting. There is a perversity that we have around rubbernecking in other people's lives. I suspect from the standpoint of judgment alone, people are more engaged when there is something to judge versus when something seems mostly bland. 

If we didn't care enough to judge, it wouldn't be surprising to find we didn't care at all.

Really not sure what I think of that statement. Do I really believe it? I suspect, like many things, it fits some things, and isn't a statement that is absolute in its nature. Although the fact that it was said at all would be enough for some to take it on as though it was absolute.

But, what if it was true - even in "some" cases? What would that mean? Is much of what it we do currently predicated on getting people to react? And what are reactions? Often if they're not judgments, they are at least a relation. Are we encouraging people to judge by asking what they think? 

"Good" bloggers "know" they should ask for their reader's opinion. Why? Because it engages them. It could be the reader will agree, and be engaged, but there are many times you will see much more "negative" response engagement than positive, especially in regard to those topics that are the hottest of buttons.

Are all thoughts judgments?

Judgment is defined as, "the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions." Does that mean my saying, "it is raining outside" is a judgment? Provided, it is raining when I say it? It would seem, after all, a "sensible conclusion." 

But what happens when one's "sensible conclusion" is another's "lunacy?"

When we think something, are we able to have a thought without some judgmental basis - even if unconscious/unknown? It would seem we may be taught many "judgments" that guide our ability to function in the world. They become things we take for granted, and become what many would think were absolute in nature.

But, "sensible conclusions" are built upon something. What if the foundation upon which they were built gets shaken up somehow? Their absolute nature becomes nothing more than a dispelled illusion.

Does your head hurt? Mine does, a little. Lol. Not quite sure where I was headed with this, as it certainly was not a road I intended to take. But my mind does this sometimes. It questions the things that many times are not questioned. 

Some would ask, "what is the point?" If you question something, but come up with the same answer you always do, why question it? "It is just the way life is." "It is just the way people are." These, after all, are "sensible conclusions." To think otherwise, is to be judged naive, or stupid, or silly, or...any number of things...

Which is a greater force, agreement or disagreement? Wars are not fought between those in agreement. And yet those in agreement can become quite a force when meeting up with others who would disagree with what they believe. 

Would there be a swelling of agreement if there was nothing to agree together that they agree to be against? 

And what brings those beings to the place they stand? Their thoughts, which may very well be their judgments, their "sensible conclusions."

If our "sensible conclusions" have the ability to impact the lives, and livelihoods, of others, it would seem it might be good every now again to take a step back and question the things we think we know. After all, there are likely to be times in our own lives that we are standing on what others perceive is the "wrong" side of the agreement. Anyone who has already stood there knows just how much that can really suck.

What would happen if we stopped judging others? Can we? Is judgment a good thing, but not necessarily what we do with it? What could we do with our judgment, if we didn't put another down in the process? What if judgment is meant to be a way to internally guide one, versus what it often seems to be - a way to manipulate or assess or control others?

Does judgment really work when it is outwardly focused? Many times I think we wind up creating more problems trying to control the undesirable effect of a cause we know nothing about. As most of you probably realize, that often doesn't work terribly well. And that goes for things like our environment, our food chain, and other people. And it doesn't stop - anywhere.

We humans are incredibly arrogant. We think we can do anything. We have had a world history lesson that shows just how detrimental that type of thinking can be. I imagine there is a place for confidence and boldness when it comes to some things, but when we are able to be confident and bold without being cocky, we are less likely to find ourselves with egg in our face, or a whole hell of a lot worse.

Started with egg fried rice, and ended up talking about egg on one's face, sounds like a good place to stop. Maybe I will even go try to eat some more.

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