Friday, June 26, 2015

Tossing & Turning

I was tossing and turning, kinda awake, but not. I was dreaming of painting, creating. It has been a while since I have made anything. Perhaps a part of me is missing it. When I woke up it was because I was too nauseous to avoid how I was feeling. If I could have fully slept, maybe I could have avoided actually getting up. Instead, I went to get a pretzel, and my Recharge drink.

At first, I wondered if it was going to help. It didn't seem to be kicking in as my sure fire fix like other times. I even debated about taking some anti-nausea medication. If I have taken it even 5 times over the last 3 years, it is a lot. So for me to consider taking it says much about how I was feeling.

My digestion is still not right, either. Guessing it may have something to do with how I am feeling - besides the chemo obvious. Someone asked me if my Seaband wasn't working. Given what I know, it would be a hell of a lot worse without it. Of course I'd prefer it work in totality, but I may need to try both wrists, instead of just one.

The "good" thing I am going to claim is that at least my body is moving gas. It is good no one is around to experience it, though.

But the not so good thing that I do not want to claim is how insidious treatment is. There are moments I actually feel almost Ok, but then, BAM! Suddenly I feel weak and can barely move, or climb the stairs. Or nausea seems to be a thing of the "past" only to overwhelm me.

This better not continue all cycle. It will already be hard enough for me to go back for more given what has been. If I can not have extended times of "normalcy" without feeling run over by a truck, it will take a toll. In some ways, it already has. I have broken down in a huge way more than once recently.

Sherri talked to me about an art show. She would like for me to be there for it, I told her maybe she should plan for me not to be there. I have to hope things will get/be better, but right now all I am capable of doing is the bare minimum. 

This is going to sound awful, but I hadn't even taken a shower for a week. Besides the fact that I was sleeping so much, and could barely move, I wasn't sure the shower was the safest place to be.

I hesitate in saying something like this, given past experience of what others may think, I share it to offer perspective, but find some use it to judge me lacking in some way. Instead of creating empathy, it widens the divide. 

But it is part of my less than perfect reality right now. I told someone as imperfect as this situation is, it is the best I got. I am simultaneously grateful and terrified.

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