Wednesday, June 10, 2015


Having a hard night. Emotions are bubbling all over the place. If I was a pot with sauce in it, the stove would be a big mess right now.

My mind is all over the place. I am thinking all kinds of thoughts.

If someone acts like your ally, and tells you things that tell you that person thinks they are being helpful, well, are they your ally? There is someone in my life who acts like I am the problem. They are doing all they can, and I just don't want to cooperate.

In thinking about our past history, it would seem that I have often been the problem - because I almost always see things differently than that person, and more often than not, I am wrong. Well. At least in their eyes. I am sure they get agreement from others, though, about just how difficult I am.

Am a I perfect? Am I always right? Do a I always say and do the perfect things? Lol. A part of me wants to say a resounding YES. It is the part of me that has been tired of always being wrong, doubted, questioned. The fact is that in any given moment I have always just done the best I can do. Just like anyone else at any given moment.

That person I am talking about is included. Undoubtedly, they think that what they believe is the "right" thing, and that is why they say and do what they say and do.

I guess my question is how do you know when you are being who you think you are being? You may think you are this amazing and giving person, and in actuality, what you say and do is more about you, and is selfishly driven.

Now. Once you put that word - selfish - in the mix, people likely are gonna get defensive. Selfish certainly does not have a good reputation. Most people are uncomfortable with the idea of selfishness - at least by name and label. In behavior, though, it is seen differently.

What if we sometimes confuse selfish with self aware? What if selfish is a label we use for another when they do not see things the way we want them to? We are so good at controlling one another by the labels we give them.

Making things worse, on some level, is when we decline to wear the labels others give us. When we stop doing that, they can no longer control us. Boy. Talk about pissing people off.

Dealing with cancer has had me pull back and look at the things in my life that have never really worked. I have had to look at things differently than I used to. It has become absolutely necessary. And it has pissed people off.

I really do not know how to be any different than I have been, and at this point there just ain't no going back. I just can't. I feel like I have outgrown the restrictive place I was in, and I am just not going back there. 

How that fits with others remains to be seen, and with some it may never fit. Of course, there are repercussions that come from this attitude and place, and the threat of them is what kept me where I was for the longest time.

It is not easy. Not by a long shot.  But at at this point the pain of not being true to myself is too great to ignore. Some may think that because I am where I am, I don't care about others. If they were close enough to me, they would know that is the farthest thing from the truth. 

My harshest critics are those who are closest enough to think they know me, but too distant from my circumstances to truly understand what I face. It really makes me angry sometimes. And right now I am aware of that anger. When I started to write, I did not realize that the bubbling was anger. I thought it was overwhelm. However, given I chose a stove metaphor and not a bubble bath, it would make sense that anger was in the picture.

I am feeling yucky. My stomach hasn't been right since the scan. I have been tempted to just drink water for 3 days to try to give it a rest. Plus, I understand that it helps the immune system restart. I just don't handle things well when I don't eat, so I am questioning this possibility. I'd probably be fine, and would just have to be slow in getting back to eating afterward. With chemo getting close, I am not sure if that is a good or bad idea.

I feel like I want to scream. Given it is 11:30 at night, and that I am not alone in the house, it is probably not a good idea. My friend has been home sick for several days now, and I am guessing that his presence might be getting to me a bit. His "sick" energy, and just the fact that I am usually alone a lot more than I have been lately. I truly value my alone time. And being alone in a room is good, but it is not the same as being alone in a house. The energy is so different when he is not here, and even more different when he is away on vacation for several days.

I imagine the fact that I haven't been sleeping well doesn't help anything. I wish I could sleep more/better, as when I do, it is a welcome reprieve/escape from the many issues and pains I face. The nights I actually sleep through the night are pretty rare. But when they happen, they are oh, so, ahh-mazing.

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