Friday, June 5, 2015

In the midst...

I am lying in bed. It has been hard to get going today. I was potentially going to have some company, but the plans got thwarted. I am feeling rather sick to my stomach, so maybe that was a good thing. I was able to sleep more this morning, too.

But the list of things I need to deal with in the next couple of weeks is fairly long. Somewhere in the midst of not having much energy, ability, or desire to do things, I am going to have to find a way.

Someone told me yesterday about how a friend who was dealing with cancer talked about how necessary it was for her to have help dealing with treatment stuff. I had someone who did that for a time, and it was helpful to a degree. But I still had to be aware of what was and wasn't going on, and what needed to be done. I really haven't had anyone who I could just fully and completely leave things to. If I needed someone like that, I have no clue what I would do.

The idea of being in that place scares me.

I am beginning to really like an appreciate the idea of being off Facebook. I am really looking forward to it. But the thing is that I think on some level there are those who are somehow assuming that my backing away from there means I want to back away from people. 

It couldn't be farther from the truth. I made it clear that we could stay in touch - but I am leaving it up to them. I am doing this, in part, because I can't individually follow-up with each of my FB friends. But, more importantly, I only want people around who want to be around. 

That last part is the MOST important piece. And the only way to insure that is if others act. If I initiate, someone might feel badly, or put on the spot, or who knows what, and I am just not gonna do that. When the time comes to leave Fb, I will probably put up some sort of contact info in the last status. But I still would be willing to bet there will be those who will not opt to use it because they don't want to "bother" me.

What many people don't seem to get is that I don't do anything I can't do. If I am too tired to talk, I don't. If I can't function, I don't try. I go by what I need at the time I have a choice to make, and I choose what I need for me. I realize it sucks for others, as it puts the onus on them, but I try to explain to other people what things are like so they aren't surprised, or feel offended or slighted by what may, or may not happen.

Recently I connected with someone new from a site. For a bit, he and I texted, and talked. I was reluctant to bring up the whole "cancer" thing, not knowing if it was necessary. I had said I was just looking for friends, and he hadn't even asked to meet. 

Well. Actually, he did ask me to go to a Jazz Series at the last second - after he had asked everyone else he knew, and came up empty. Lol. Make a girl feel good, right? In all fairness, we still barely knew each other, so I was fine with that. But I was miserable because I was having an awful reaction from some bad starter I had eaten.

In dealing with him, I was having to be careful what I was saying, as I might say something that would reveal the whole "cancer" situation. By doing that, though, he didn't get the things I usually tell people. If I didn't respond right away, he wouldn't know it was because I was sleeping in the middle of the day. 

To be fair, I don't walk around with my phone attached at the hip, so even still, delays in response could have happened.  However, I started to think he needed to know what was up - at least for my own ability to be free to be myself. Plus, if he couldn't handle the news - or didn't want to - probably best to walk sooner, rather than later.

One evening I texted him and asked if we could talk. He said he'd call in a bit. Two hours later, I was sleeping when he called. The next day I texted an apology. He said it was OK, and I have heard nothing since. My guess? It really wasn't that OK. But that's OK for me. Better to have this happen now. At the same time, had I at least tried to explain stuff, maybe he would have known better what he could/could not expect from me.

As it is, I feel like it solidifies not saying much at first. If a person isn't really gonna be in my life, do they really need to know? Before him, I had met a couple of guys (a while ago) that I told about cancer when we physically met. One said he was cool with it, but then I never heard from him again. The other one said he was cool with it, but that was only until I had a recurrence, and he got "weird," and that was the end of that.

It is a mixed-up bag. And it sucks.

But I guess what it comes down to at the moment is that I need people who can allow me to be me without judgments - at least not to my face. I am handling way too much stuff, and it is taking a toll. I  really need to cut stuff out. It may seem to some that I am being selfish and self-centered by this approach, and may even seem that I do not care about others. 

The fact is, they would be right - although maybe not fully. I do care about others. I just know that I can't be what many others might expect or think they need from someone. If who I am right now doesn't work for them, then I understand. I would not expect them to be a part of my life. 

I have spent a good part of my life trying to accommodate others, and I am not sure it was a good thing - for either of us. Some may think we have to do it, that it is a part of life. Some may think that if one doesn't do it, they're immature, selfish, self-involved, and all kinds of other less than positive things.

What if trying to appease and accommodate another is the selfish thing? I know I did it, in part, to try to avoid conflict. Ironically, it rarely worked that way, but I still thought somehow it might preserve some level of peace. Ha!

Dealing with cancer, I have learned that I am doing both myself and others a favor. They know exactly where things stand with me. There should be no question. But while that is my intention, I find that because we live in a world that plays by certain rules, people sometimes have a hard time not overlaying those rules onto me and my situation. 

There are people I have told stuff to, many times. But even after those many explanations, they still act as though things were as they once were. They can't - or won't? - see what actually is. I imagine part of it is "just" the training we receive. There are many IF/THEN equations that we have been taught over the years. It is very difficult to unlearn the things that we believe are absolutes that really are anything but. Those statements make us extremely reactive to one another. 

As a result, I think we can miss out on a lot of good stuff because the "then" can all too easily become the end of the road. It may not have to be, if we knew we could question or alter the equations. But we are often not taught THAT. In fact, we are taught the opposite. We are taught that we are stupid, or naive, or ignorant, or in denial, or...if we do anything differently than what we have been taught is the "truth."

As is becoming all too usual, I walked away mid-post. Not sure where I was going to go next, and at the moment, not sure where else to go - at least in this regard. 

Life is a funny thing. We often want stuff tied up in neat little bows,many have things be "complete," and yet rarely, if ever, is that truly possible. I have a thought about my next blog post that, on some level, addresses this. 

And, with that, this post is done.

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