Saturday, June 13, 2015

I realized something today...

I have talked before about how I hope that before I leave this life I know what it feels like to be treated like a priority in someone's life. Most of my life I have been #2, or even lower on people's totem poles. I think I now know why it is such a big deal for me, and why it bothers me so much. 

I was never the priority in the life of my parents. My mother would say otherwise, perhaps, having told me that she was convinced by my Family Powers That Be that it would be in my best interest to be raised by my grandparents. 

Perhaps they were right. I don't know. There is so much messed up stuff that comes with that, though. So much. I grew up thinking my parents didn't want me. It was nothing I verbalized that way, but they weren't in the picture, so what else could I imagine for myself? Why couldn't I have a mommy and daddy like "everyone" else did? 

I loved my grandparents. I really did. But today I find myself wondering if I took on the "good girl" persona just so I wouldn't be "abandoned" again. I had to be good, so I would be liked, and taken care of. That is such shit for a little kid to deal with. I even felt "responsible" for things that, as a kid, I should not have had to think about.

For a time, for many times in my life actually, I wanted nothing to do with my mother. Who was she, besides someone who gave me birth? I was brain-washed so well by my family.

The irony is that my mother is the only one still alive, and I HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER. I feel like she should take the lead, given she is my parent, but quite frankly have no clue what that looks like. We have spent some time together in recent months, but I really think we have no clue how to relate. 

I have been having a hard time initiating contact with her because a part of me is angry. I am not exactly sure who or what I am angry about - or with - but the anger certainly includes her - even if "just" indirectly. I couldn't tell her what I thought, so I wrote her a letter. 

Previous letters written when I was much younger, and a lot less self-aware - I think - were different. I'd like to think I just said what is so FOR ME. I'd like to think I did not point a finger, but made points. I'd like to think it helped me sort out some stuff I hadn't really been in touch with before. Amazing to have perspectives never before considered.

She also gets the brunt of what I feel because my father died a long time ago. As it was, I barely even knew the man. Only in my early teens did I find out that this man who lived in a different state, with a different family, that I called, "uncle" was my father. I never really got to process things well enough to really get to know him and/or confront him, and/or ask his side of the story. Given what I do know of him now, I would have to say he was a pretty selfish bastard.

Funny. Never thought of him that strongly before. But, yup. A selfish, self-serving, pleasure-seeking bastard. How is that for some judgment? 

The anger is pouring forth. I am really not doing well tonight, and it is for other reasons, too. Not the least of which is that I am having all kinds of pains, and am in all kinds of discomfort. I really wish it would stop. I need desperately to get off this ride, without dying first. 

Days like today make me wonder what I could do to get off. I am in the deepest pain right now. It kinda, sorta, came out of no where. But not really. It is just that there are too many things I am dealing with on the verge of chemo that a part of me just doesn't want.

In some ways, it makes perfect sense. But just because it makes sense doesn't mean somehow I can handle it, or that everything is Ok. The fact is that nothing feels ok at the moment.


Is it "true?" No. But since when does truth have to matter? 

The fact that it feels true is enough for me to have me feeling like I am breaking apart. And physically I hurt so much, and can't seem to get comfortable, or stop the pain. I am actually considering asking for pain medicine, which is not like me at all. I am hoping that of the mind and body are connected, experiencing this emotional pain will somehow unravel the physical pain. The physical pain makes everything that much harder to deal with.

I kinda just want to tell everyone to go to hell - even those who have done absolutely nothing to warrant it. I just want to scream. I just want to yell. I just want to take a huge leap off a cliff.

Sorry for that last sentence. But it is my immediate truth; however laying in my bed in pain, and the fact that I am not going anywhere will preclude that from happening. I think I am too much of a coward to do that any way.

If I was home alone, I'd probably be screaming right now. But if I did that, I'd probably scare my friend in more ways than one. He has no real clue of what I am going through, and there are reasons for that. If you have someone close who seems to be doing "just fine," they may not be as fine as you might think. They may have their reasons for keeping their truth from you. I tell you this not to upset your apple cart, but rather, if you care about someone you might just want to know their truth. Their REAL truth.

No comments:

Post a Comment