Sunday, June 21, 2015

Can't Decide if it's Bogey or Par

The Chemo Course is a hard one, made harder by the type of drug used, and how it is used. Every treatment I have had til now has been in "fractionated" doses. What that means is that I have received only a portion of the total treatment at a time. It is supposed to be easier on the body.

Well. This time, that option is not available. I really can't function. It reminds me of my first chemo treatment ever. I slept for a nearly solid 2 days. It was better than trying to be awake, and feeling miserable.

Fortunately, I was able to sleep. There were other times, though, I felt miserable, and could not sleep. If given an option, I'd certainly take the one I have. But it all freaking sucks. 

I haven't eaten much, either, as I am having major constipation issues - even after "encouragement." I don't dare block up my insides more - although I hardly have an appetite at the moment. But feel nauseous. Winning combination, I tell ya.

I could barely climb the stairs earlier. It took everything I had, and a fairly long time to accomplish. Falling back into bed was so incredibly welcome.

I probably need to eat, but am in no position to cook, or drive. It makes the difficult even more so. I wasn't really prepared for this once a month thing. It also doesn't help that the thing that is supposed to help with the bone pain ain't really working, or if it is, not as well as I remember it working.

I am grateful I have some a Recharge drink on hand. It is something I can just grab. I can barely stand right now. It was suggested I make my own electrolyte drink. It would be next to impossible right now - if not actually impossible.

For as much as I try to explain what I deal with, I am sure most just can't get it. Try explaining a motor vehicle to a caveman, or even to a man from the 1700s. One would be harder than the other. One likely even impossible, as there are just too many layers of things a caveman could not associate with.

I would like to think that I am communicating with someone from the 1700s, rather than cavemen. I'd like to think that those I communicate with COULD understand - at least on some level - what I am facing. I can't help but wonder if it is just too close for comfort. Who in the world would want to identify with the "dark side" of cancer treatment?

The first night after chemo I kept dreaming about a Black Hole, and the artist in me was trying to give it dimension, or was looking for dimension, or something like that. I dreamt about it most of the night. It was a very restless night.

At some point today I dreamt about a cat "who" could talk. It was awesome, as I knew where she stood, and how she wanted to be pet. I dreamt about other things and people, too, but it feels like my dreams are looping. I think I am dreaming the same stuff - more or less - while I stay asleep. Each new sleep seems to be different dreams - as long as there is some distance between the two.

I wish the dreams would actually leave me something of value. I just feel drugged up, and only remember bits. As it is, my eyes are wanting to close again. I think I am going to let them.

I really hope tomorrow is a better day...but given how I currently feel, it would be honest to say I have a question about what the day will bring. I will definitely be able to answer this blog's title tomorrow.

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