Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Buttons Pushed

I suspect the person I know was trying to be funny. He made some cracks about me in relation to sex. I talk about the whole thing about sex and cancer briefly in my book, but it isn't a topic often discussed, in part because so many have such a discomfort around it. It seems too personal, TMI.

This person has not read my book. Even if he had, he probably would not realize that what he was saying was hitting a sensitive spot. 

Having sex at this point is more difficult than it has ever been. Not only have I not had it since I had my hysterectomy, I have never been one to take it lightly. If I was going to do it with someone, it would be because we cared about each other. Given that I am not currently in a relationship, finding someone to be "that" person becomes all that much more difficult given the "cancer card." I also need to be cautious regarding any transmitted diseases, given how my immune system likely is at the moment.

There is a possibility I will never have sex again.

That is a tough pill to swallow. And anyone who tries to make light of that in some way apparently does not get how significant that is to me.

I tried to be calm, and explain to the person that he had hit a sensitive spot, and now that he knows, please do not do it again. I tried to give him latitude because he obviously had no clue all that was stored up emotionally for me behind this topic. It isn't even"just" about sex. Will I ever feel deeply and romantically loved ever again?

We were on the phone having this conversation, and I was getting teary. Writing about this is upsetting, too. I don't talk about this, in part, because of the pain. But maybe it is all the more reason I should. This particular person has a knack for doing this to me. While I have wanted to walk away more than once, he is still in the picture - pushing my buttons. 

I can only guess he is meant to, so that I can face this stuff. But isn't there a better way than him pushing me the way he does to such horrible, emotional places? Granted, I often feel better afterward, but still.

So much crap woven together. Ugh. And the bonus is that today my digestion is still out of whack. The "good" thing is that I have lost a bit of weight, but I am not sure there isn't a better way to be doing that, as well.

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