"I Did What Was Best for Me"

Practically pissed and glaring at me, that is what "A" told me
at one point when we spoke yesterday.

"I did what was best for me."

Abandoning talking to me was what was best for him, so he did.
And it sucked - for me.

It just occurred to me that more often than not that is likely
what most of us do.  There are times I did what was likely best
for me, and really didn't consider how it affected another, and
even if I did, did what I did any way.

I suspect even the times we may think we are considering others
might be moments in which we are doing what is best for us, too -
unconsciously.  I say this because if we are doing something that
we may not want to do to consider another, we may do it because
it somehow makes us look good.

I am not saying that this is the case with all people, at all times,
and in all circumstances, but I am suspecting it happens a lot.
And the thing is that we often get upset with people for doing
that.  We want them to think about US.  But if it is not genuine,
is it really what we want?  I know, you probably think it should
be genuine.  But you can't create genuine where it is not.

If he wasn't genuinely wanting to be in communication with me,
it likely would have sucked if he had forced things because somehow
he thought it would make me feel better.

While I wasn't happy that he did it, I understood it.  And I really
couldn't get mad at that.

I see how much of this situation leaves me feeling charged up for
reasons that have nothing to do with him.  It is oddly empowering
to recognize this fact.

At the same time, I don't necessarily know what those things are -
yet.  So it leaves me pretty much looking at myself.  It's a lot
different than blaming him.

And it still sucks.