When I walked into the facility, I felt emotional.
I almost wanted to cry, but I just took a breath
and kept going.
I was there by myself. I don't know that I would
have felt any differently, even if my sister had
been there. I have so many appointments on my
own any way, I only saw her for a few minutes
in between each one last time.
The day before I went my sister and I spoke.
She wants to be there for me - if I want her to
be there for me. She told me she is uncertain
that I even appreciate things, given how she
interpreted how I have been with her.
I explained that it is mixed bag. There is
something reassuring about her being there,
but there are times I don't know what to do
with it. In addition, from my perspective, it
is a major inconvenience for her to come,
so I just don't know that I want her to be
inconvenienced that way. As we often do,
we had a disagreement. We are so different
without fodder to disagree on, but when there
is something, oh what fun!
In the end we ended the conversation in some
sort of place, but it wasn't one that I was
comfortable with. Upon reflection, I thought
about the times that she has been there for me,
and in that moment of gratitude I called her
back and thanked her for what she has done
for me. The end note, as a result, was more
positive. Later as chemo was about to begin
she sent me some text messages to see how
I was doing.
As I write this, I find myself crying a bit.
My sister loves me, and I don't know what
to "do" with it.
At the same time, being by myself yesterday
I think was a good thing. I didn't have to
worry about anyone else, and I didn't have
to worry about monitoring myself. I missed
the "convenience" of someone being able
to help me, and the comfort of someone being
there with me, loving me in person, but I felt
like it was OK.
As I have mentioned in other blog entries,
I am availing myself of a myriad of things
that should be helping me with this process.
The first thing I had yesterday was a foot
massage. The woman who does it has such
a gentle touch. It felt amazing. It was followed
by Acupuncture. The woman who did the
Acupuncture told me that I "felt" balanced.
In determining what I need, she usually reads
how the body is, and as it felt balanced, she
wondered what I wanted to focus on. In an
effort to understand what she was picking up
on, she asked if I had had any other work
done that day.
I had also been listening to some of the hypnotic
recordings I have been listening to on the train
on the way to my day. I hadn't thought about
it at the time, but maybe that had a bit to do with
it, too.
Either way, what the Acupuncturist said was
a positive validation for me that SOMEthing
is working. For some, it may be questionable
what things like this do, if anything. I know
I have questioned it myself, as I have had
Acupuncture previously. In the past, though,
as good as I felt having it, there wasn't anything
tangible that I could identify coming out of it.
When I was in the hospital, though, my
experience was different. I had some issues
with nausea and constipation that needed to
be addressed. I was in the hospital way too
long, and they were wanting to attach some
kind of tube for me to get nutrition. I wasn't
interested in that (more like adamantly opposed),
and I needed my body to cooperate. Not long
after the Acupuncture, my body reacted the
way it needed to.
By the time I got to the chemo, it was around
4:00. Actually, it was more like 5, as there
was an unanticipated delay. I wasn't happy
about it, but just went with it, as many things
didn't go as scheduled yesterday. Getting
upset certainly wasn't going to do me any
good.
This time was going to be different than last
time. I had done more prep work for the
chemo session. I had a play list that was
171 minutes long. It was slightly shy of
the 180 I thought it would take for the
infusion. I was going to begin to listen
as soon as the infusion started, and the
nurse knew that I planned to be out of it.
The play list included a healing recording
from another hypnotist, as well as my own
recordings, and some healing music, and
a few other things.
This time I knew about the Benedryl, and
if it knocked me out I was OK with it, as
I have made (and been listening to) a
recording that helps to counteract that.
Once again, I am not certain if I fell asleep,
or if I just went into a deep state, but I did
become aware of things before the total
time was up, so I am suspecting/hoping
that on some level I heard what was playing.
Even if I didn't hear it then, though, it didn't
really matter, as these are recordings I have
already listened to several times. In addition,
I was so relaxed when I woke up. It was
probably the most relaxed I have been in
quite some time. When they took my blood
pressure (as they do before and after each
treatment) it was lower than 3 hours before.
I think the technician was surprised.
If this is the way that my chemo sessions
are going to go going in the future, oddly
enough, I think I am going to look forward
to them.
So now I have other things I need to figure
out and plan. I saw a Nutritionist yesterday
who told me that not eating for two days
last time had me lose muscle. I know they
don't like me losing weight because they
say it pulls on the body in a not so good
way - taking away much needed energy.
So after not eating for two days I worked
diligently at putting the weight on, which
I now find out is me putting on fat. So if
I lose at the moment I lose muscle, if I gain,
I gain fat.
Well that really sucks.
Now I have a plan. Now I must find things
to eat. Even if it is a little. Now I have a
band for my wrist that is supposed to help
with nausea.
Last time I had no interest in throwing up.
I did enough of that in the hospital. I wasn't
going to let that happen, so I slept and
refrained from eating. It wasn't the best
choice, I know. But now I have some choices
that might be better overall options.
For today I feel great. Odd how that goes
after a chemo treatment. But at least it gives
me the ability to shop for a few things,
and try to accomplish something.
I guess time will tell what happens next.
Days 2 & 3 were the worst. That is tomorrow
and Sunday this time around.
Wish me luck.
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