Why am I here?

Why am I here?

Early in this adventure, someone asked me how
strong my will to live was.

It was a bit ironic.  Earlier this year I had a
major breakdown.  I was on the phone with
someone and crying and saying that if my
life ended right then, I would be OK with it.

Only a few months later I was facing something
that could give me the end on a silver platter,
and I wasn't ready to go.

Nothing much had changed in my life, but
suddenly I was aware that it could all come
to an end, and I wasn't ready for it.

I still have a lot of questions.  The answer to
many remain elusive.  The biggest one:  Why
am I here?

I look around and see the day-to-day grind
of life and wonder how life could otherwise be.
Some say if you always do the same thing you
always get the same results, and despite my
efforts to do things differently several times
over the years I have felt incredibly stymied.

If I can't be who I am...if I can't share what
I have to share...then what is the point of
being here?  (Of course this all ties back into
my previous blog entry.)  This is not to say
that I have given up, or want to give up, but
rather there is a part of me that is pleading for
help.  Pleading for answers, direction.

Interestingly, I don't know that others have
the answers I need.  Many times I have been
told things that didn't "fit" for me.  Other times
things seemed to just click.

I have often asked God, Angels, Guides, anyone
and anything that can help to help me.  I have
included all that I can think of.  I don't know
what exists outside of myself, but I do believe
there has to be someone or something that knows
things that I don't, and/or can see things I can't.

There are times I have felt guided.  Some may
call it intuition.  Some may call it other things.
Whatever it is, many times I would call it good.

Is there any point to life if there is no purpose
or meaning?  I am not sure if that question has
an answer.  I imagine it might be different for
every person, and it may even vary depending
on experience and perspective and whatever
else is going on in life.

However when I think about it, I wonder if there
is no purpose then there is no life.  And life can
"end" long before the last breath is taken.

Am I here to enjoy the birds chirping outside?
Am I here to appreciate the awesome, tall
beautiful green trees?  Am I here to enjoy the
home in which I live? To appreciate the friend
that I live with?

I think about a number of my possessions that
are sitting in my friend's basement.  I spent a
lot of money moving them from the east coast
to the west coast and back again, and I have
barely even touched them since being here.

I think about the mess of stuff I have that adds
clutter to my life.  I think about these things and
wonder if I should do a big purge.  I don't need
these things, do I?  And if I don't need them, is
there a reason for wanting them?

I saw something once that said the best things
in life were free, and it had to do with things
like hugs and friends, and the stuff of human
contact.  It had nothing to do with possessions.

cancer is a dis-ease, and it would seem I have
had a dis-ease around my life and its circumstances
for quite some time.  I wonder if clearing things
out will help to ease that feeling.  I suspect it
might, but I also suspect it would only be a start.