Just wondering...

For several years I have been around those who
speak of the power of words and energy.  I didn't
know what I thought of those types of things when
I was first introduced to them, and in some ways
still am not sure what I think now.

At the time that one of my roughest patches showed
up, I figured it wouldn't hurt to consider that there
was something to it.  So what if I fooled myself?
If it was "just" words, then what did it matter which
ones I chose?

The "problem" for me at the moment is that I see
all of these "think happy" "be positive" types of
statements now, and I have a harder time than
before absorbing them.  In some ways, they almost
seem to come off as things to say.

I don't know if I am making any sense to you at
the moment, as I am trying to figure out how I
want to say it - trying to figure out what it is that
I truly experience around these types of things.

I would say the moments that life is looking OK,
these words likely carry more meaning, except for
the fact that it isn't exactly those times that I need
to be reminded.  I would also add that the times
that I might need to be reminded are ones that it
would be difficult to grasp the positive message in
the words.

Bit ironic?

Someone that I know well recently sent me a well
meaning email with the words "Don't give up"
bolded and italicized.  It annoyed me.  I hate to
say it did, but it did.  I feel like no one I know
knows what I am going through, and the fact is,
they don't.  But I know they want to help.  They
want to be supportive, and I haven't a clue how to
help steer them because I don't know what I need.

Well...

That may not be true.  I think what I need is to be
treated as normal as possible.  I get the feeling
people don't know what to say or how to be so
they either don't say or do anything, or the things
that come out are all cheerleader like.

It is not that I don't appreciate it.  I just am not
sure how to be in all of this myself.  It is still
relatively new, and my bouts with questions and
concerns leave me in places that I would rather
not be.  At the same time, I can not help but
wonder if those are the places I need to be.  I
can't help but wonder if they are the places that
I need to explore.

I know some people do not believe that the mind
and the body are connected.  I am not sure what
I believe in this regard, either.  At the same time,
there are things that seem to "fit" in relation to a
connection that I feel might need to be looked at,
perhaps explored.

I suspect much of life isn't pretty in a sense that
most would agree on, and yet perhaps there is
beauty in things like this.   Perhaps the beauty
is that the old gets routed, and it makes room
for the new.

(Uh oh.  If I am not careful, I may find myself
being positive in the midst of my questioning.)

Any which way it goes, I find myself asking
questions with answers that are no where in
sight.  I am finding myself having to trust in
something, and I don't even know what that
something is.  I am finding myself wondering
how things are going to be different...who
I am going to be...how *I* am going to be
different.

I am scared to survive this battle only to find
myself asking the same questions later.