I feel like cr*p

Sorry to anyone who is offended by the title of this post.

I thought ever so briefly about editing myself.  However
I decided that an edit would only take away from the
truth of this moment for me.

I debated as to whether or not to even post.  At the same
time, it seemed like it might do me some good.  I am
struggling with being "positive" and "affirming" in the
midst of the way that I feel.

I told myself I would embrace this experience.  How
much can I embrace if I am trying to be something I
am not?  At the same time, I am miserable, and who
wants to be that?

Just as I was writing this entry, I got a call from an
organization that may be able to help me - atleast on
a small scale.  That is quite fine for me.  A dollar more
than I have is a dollar more than I have.  I will take
every kindness offered me at the moment.  It is hard
to ask, but I am guessing it may get easier in time.
Perhaps that is one of the lessons for me to learn that
will come from what is happening.

I found as I spoke to the woman I felt better.  Was it
because it was a distraction?  Was it because it was
a positive thing?  Maybe it was both.  I wondered if
I didn't have this thing going on how I would be,
and wondered if I could fake it.

I just went to get something to eat.  I really want to
eat something.  All I have had in the last two days is
watermelon.  I like watermelon, but feel like I would
like something of more substance.  I am just not sure
my stomach agrees at the moment.  I am wondering
how long this state will last.  Not eating much for a
day or two is probably not the best, but I can't go on
not eating.

The facility gave me a prescription for a medication
for nausea.  When I called to find out the cost - without
coverage for prescriptions - I was quoted $500+!

Obviously that doesn't work, so I called them and told
them I need something else.  I haven't yet phoned to
see how much the something else is.  But what I did
do is look online at the substitute, and there are some
nasty side effects.  It makes me really want to find a
way to conquer this in a more holistic way.  So if you
have any ideas, please feel free to share.  

I am already trying ginger candies and am about to 
order something for my wrist that is supposed to help.  
I also keep pressing points on my wrist that an 
acupuncturist showed me, and that seems to be helpful.  
I am pretty certain, though, the thing that is helping 
the most is the fact that I am not eating of any real
substance, which is probably not a good thing.


I am not sure what to expect next, and purposely did
not ask too many questions as I didn't want to walk
into the preconceived notions of what the experience
would be.  However, I do find myself wondering
what I could do with that info, if I had it.


As it is, the script of my second recording awaits me...

I just wish I wanted to do something more than sleep
right now.