How

I did a blog entry about why, and now I feel
it is time for one about how.

Of course, HOW? often is a question that is
much like WHY? in that often there is no
obvious answer, or the answer does not seem
to be suitable or enough.

This is my in-between week for my treatments,
and even though I did not receive treatment
on Friday, I haven't been doing that well.

I have been BEYOND tired several days.  It
probably hasn't helped that I haven't been
sleeping well at night.   Last night I even
listened to a hypno recording, which I haven't
done much of lately, and I was awake afterward.

I slept probably about an hour last night,
and slept probably 7-9ish this morning.
Oddly, as tired as I have been, I was wide
awake at 6 this morning, and even now feel
more alert than I would have thought I would
be, given the circumstances.

I have been having a hard time this past week.
In addition to everything else, I received a
bill for anesthesia for the colonoscopy I did
NOT want (see the blog entry for how this all
came to be, and you will understand why I say
this).   The bill is $300.  I do not need
that right now.  I also have an issue with my
insurance company regarding something that
always seems to be an issue - but never should
be.

I have a long list of things that I need to do
and to concern myself with - and I want nothing
to do with any of them.  On top of everything
else, my body hasn't been happy, and I have
been having to cater to its "whims."

When that happens, it is difficult to pretend
that everything is OK.  Even though I have
those moments, they are encased in the clouds
that most of my day has been.  When I say
"clouds" I don't necessarily mean depressing
things.  It is just that I am not thinking
very clearly at times these days.

If you haven't heard from me, please don't
take it personally.  It isn't personal, at
all.  It is just difficult for me to deal with
anything at times.  Oddly enough, some things
might be good things, but because it is a thing
to be done, it winds up being something to
"deal" with, and I just don't have the energy.

It makes me sad to say these things.  I really
want everything to be OK.  I really don't want
to be out of sorts like this.  I really would
like to just move on with my life.

At the same time, THIS is my life - for FIVE
more months.  I really don't know how I am
going to make it.  There's the HOW question
you might have been waiting for.

Oddly enough I don't think I have really ever
asked the question "Why me?" but I more than
make up for that in the HOW question of getting
through this running around in the back of my
mind.

How am I going to make it til December?

How am I going to be in January?

How am I going to be in business and make money?

How am I going to do things?

How am I going to know what to do?

How do I feel good about how I look?

How do I go out into the world, feeling as I do,
and as I look?

Of course the HOW questions aren't going to get
me anywhere fast.  But that doesn't stop them
from being a part of my experience - especially
when things I need to deal with get piled on top.

I also have thought about starting up my internet
radio show again - World of Perspective.  For
anyone who doesn't know, there are probably about
40 shows in the archives.  You can see a complete
listing (download podcasts and listen online) at
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/world-of-perspective

I really loved doing the show, but found it very
difficult to spend the energy and time necessary
when I wasn't making any money with my efforts.
As a result, it morphed, and then over a year ago
it just stopped.

I am thinking it would be an interesting exercise
to start it again. If you think you would be
interested in being a guest, contact me and let's
talk about it.  I really want to see what I can
create.

So, as usual, I feel a bit all over the place.
As you can tell, there is a lot on my mind.  I
decided to do this blog to get some of it out
of there.  I am hoping it has helped.

I am starting to feel a bit tired, so maybe it
deflated the anxious energy some.  Maybe I will
try to sleep a bit more.

Be well, please.