Thoughts on my way to #3

I am sitting at the train station, awaiting the train that will take me to my 3rd chemo infusion.  After today I will be 1/6 through my treatments.  I have wondered what it would have been like to have one dose instead of 3, and I tend to think that the only advantage would be 12 less trips.  Maybe that doesn't seem like a small thing, but when I compare it to the effects of the doses, I am fairly certain I have made the right choice.

Yesterday was the best I have felt all week.  I have to say given the way I felt the first go round, the second one has left me in not as great a place.  This morning I have been flashing images in my head of women in pictures, smiling.  These are women getting chemo, having their hair shaved, and in various moments of relating to cancer.  I can not help but wonder what was going through their mind at the moment.  I can not help but wonder how they were before the moment of capture, and after.

My mood is all over the place.  One minute I am practically numb.  The next, I want to cry.  And yet another I would seem to be just fine.  

My sister is coming today.  I am really not sure why, but she heard me upset and not well a couple of days ago, and I think she thinks I shouldn't be alone.  

I don't know what I think.

She asked me what I wanted, and I had no idea.  The easiest response for me was to leave it up to her.

So far in this journey I haven't gone the route of "woe is me." But in the last few days, I have had thoughts of "why me?" It wouldn't be so bad, if I was just dealing with my physical issues.  But I am really concerned about how I am financially get through the next 6 months - and after.

Since I work for myself, I do not know how things will be when I get back to working. In addition, I got notice yesterday that my insurance company is looking to raise my insurance premium to over $700 PER MONTH.

I have a friend who thinks It is horrible, and that there MUST be some other option.  He may be right.  The only problem is that there are other issues that affect the decision that aren't easily rectified, and given all that has happened, I can not let the insurance lapse.  

I keep telling myself I need to take one day at a time, one moment at a time.  It sure is a lot more easily said than done with all of the factors that come into play.  Even worse, when people try to say helpful things, they often aren't so helpful.  They may be the obvious, but stating the obvious - from where they stand - isn't always going to be what they hope for in terms of my reaction or experience.  My friend who has a good job, and excellent paid insurance, has no clue what it has been like for me and my insurance situation.  

I think I heard 50% of Americans don't have insurance.  Given what I know, that statistic would not surprise me, if accurate.  Ultimately his upset doesn't help me, it only adds to my frustration.  Another friend says she knows a broker who knows of less expensive plans.  Not to say it wouldn't be helpful, but I have had many conversations with brokers over the years, and odds are good that - given my diagnosis especially - he will not be able to do anything for me.  In addition, he is in a different state than me, which also likely will be a hinderence.  Plus...just because something else might be available, it doesn't mean it is ultimately financially more viable.  It usually means higher deductibles and office copays.  You pay for your coverage in other ways when it comes to what they deem "high risk."

I wish I didn't know these things.  But, as often is the case in life, there is a lot we have no clue about, until we need to become an expert.  Even though there are things I think I know,I am willing to talk to him.  I am willing to be surprised.  When I do, I will share the results, just for the record.  Also for the record, I will be more than happy to be wrong in this case.  

There are so many things going through my mind, and I suspect they will find themselves working their way here.  In the meantime, I have gotten on the train and will be to my destination soon.  

Almost 1/6th of the way there.  

Woo hoo!

Well..not really.  At least not at the moment.  But I tried.