I am looking...

"I am looking at a woman who looks better in person
than she does on paper."

That is what the surgeon told me when he met me.

In some strange way, it was reassuring...I think.

I am reminded of that today, the day before my first
chemo treatment.  I am reminded of it as a way of
reminding myself that things don't have to look and
be a certain way based on "evidence."

I haven't slept that well for a while, and the last
few nights in particular I have had difficulty even
getting to sleep.  As optimistic as a part of me is,
there is another part that is anxious about the
unknown and the what ifs.

I am as prepared (I think) as I can be.  I have done
what I can to rewire my relationship with chemo.
Since I am doing it, I didn't want to think of myself
with poison in my body.  It was really important to
me to have a different relationship with it.

In addition to the chemo, I am having a massage,
Acupuncture, and Reiki tomorrow.  I want to do
everything I can to give myself the best possible
experience.  A part of me is quite calm, almost
confident - so much so that I even wanted to come
home tomorrow after my treatment.

As it is, I have heard it said people usually feel
the effects of the chemo some time AFTER the
actual day of the dosing, so I am not sure there
is anything for me to concern myself about -
at least not tomorrow...and hopefully not ever.

I am also receiving "fractionated" doses. 
Basically, instead of receiving 1 large dose
one time every 3 weeks, I am receiving smaller
doses 3 consecutive weeks, and then having
a week off.  I believe it might be kinder to my
body to do it that way, even though it is hardly
convenient, especially since I have to go away
for my treatments. 

There are so many details I need to work out
about this journey, and sometimes it feels like
a full time job.  Some days are better than others.
Some days my body feels incredibly great,
others I am not sure where my energy has gone,
and I can't believe how uncomfortable I am.

I just want to be myself.  I just want to be able
to walk and move and live my life without
being concerned about whether or not my legs
can carry me.  At one point in the hospital, I
bent down to pick up something, and was
amazed when I could not raise my body by
the strength of my legs.  I had to lean on the
bed with my arms.  It was very scary.

Things are better now, but I still have to be
careful, as my legs still haven't recovered.  I
was told in the hospital that my body badly
needed protein.  Apparently the near starvation
diet I was on the month before (the one in
which I was too uncomfortable to eat properly)
had had a significant impact on me, and I had
lost muscle.

I started riding a bike before this all happened.
I already miss being able to do it now.  I don't
know how long it will take for me to heal
officially, but it already has taken long enough.
:P

So today I made sure that I have all of the things
that I need on my iPad.  I want to be certain I
have the types of things that will be positive and
affirming for me - including a recording that I
made for myself.  I also have a large array of
images that I enjoy looking at that I will watch
in a slideshow, which will include some images
of friends.

I told someone the other day about what was
going on, and he commented about how I don't
sound like I am feeling sorry for myself.  
Perhaps things would be different if I had
received different news.  This is not to say this
isn't difficult for me at times, but I somehow
know that feeling sorry for myself isn't going
to do me any good.  Maybe it is part denial,
I don't know.  But, even if it is, I'll take it at
this point, as what I am experiencing is what
is helping me to keep going.

In terms of diagnosis, having symptoms like
I did probably saved me.  It scares me to think
what could have been.  It also makes me wonder
what I might have done differently to prevent
this from getting this far.

At the same time, it seems to me that perhaps
I was "meant" to get to this point for various
reasons...probably many of which I may never
know or understand.  But the fact that I feel
as calm and as clear as I do at times, and the
fact that it was able to be caught tells me that
there is an opportunity here that wouldn't have
been otherwise.

It sucks in some ways.  Wonder if I could have
gotten what I needed some other way.  This
way seems to be more scary...but it also has
my attention in a way very few things would.