Why

This morning I am not in the best place.

I almost cut off what was left of my hair
yesterday.  I had some incredible knots
that ultimately came out in clumps.

I started to wear a wig cap last night.
My scalp isn't feeling so great.  I guess
the poor cells aren't so happy.  I don't
blame them.  I am not happy, either.

(for a brief second I wonder if there
could be any chicken/egg correlation)

I found myself thinking about how we seem
to be rigged as human beings.  Then I
found myself wondering WHY we are rigged
the way we are.  A part of me says why
doesn't matter.  Another part thinks there
must be a reason that once understood will
make everything make sense and make it all
right with the world.

And yet...why seems to be incredibly
elusive.  Of course there are explanations
that have been offered up...but where did
they come from?  Are they correct?  And
if they are correct, why is it that I don't
feel any better knowing them?

Part of what I think about is questioning
how much of a choice we have in how we feel.
If going from just a conscious place, we
can say we have all the ability to control
how we feel.  The thing is, though, we are
(according to those supposedly in the know)
driven upwards of 90% by our unconscious.

So while we may consciously want to say
and feel things, that 10% has to work
pretty darn hard, if 90% has a differing
opinion.

Therein lies the question of WHY.  Why
in the world are we driven by a large,
disproportionate part of ourselves that
we are mostly unaware of?  Supposedly our
unconscious mind seeks familiar territory,
so that explains the why of what we choose,
even when it is not the "best" for us.

If I happen to be staring THE answer in
the face, why is it that my unconscious
mind feels more comfortable telling me
otherwise?  But more importantly, how the
heck do I access it so I can change it?

And...then I think about how I do feel.
It sucks.  But if there is a why, then
there is a reason I feel this way.

I think about painkillers.  People take
them to stop the pain.  Not a bad thing,
perhaps.  I know I have appreciated them
a time, or two.

At the same time, there are sometimes
pains that we could allow ourselves to
feel without numbing them.  Why is there
such a great need to numb?

I say this as a part of me feels relatively
numb today, and I haven't taken anything.
I suppose our bodies have their own way of
dealing with things sometimes.

But if there is an array of emotions and
feelings and experiences, then there must
be a reason - a WHY - for them, right?

And if there is, then are we doing ourselves
a disservice by trying to fix them, change
them, avoid them?

Then there are those who will correlate
certain thoughts and patterns of thinking
with one's health.  While I don't know what
I think about it in its entirety, I am not
willing to write it off.  But then if it
does fit/make sense, then it also makes
sense to be aware of where one is, and
make changes to stay in the best possible
place physically.

But that also means that they're right.
It also seems that because the uncomfortable
is so unpleasant that the things that happen
feel like a form of punishment.  And if our
unconscious is choosing what we think and
feel then we are setting ourselves up for
punishment.

This again leads me to ask WHY.  Why would
it work that way?  Why in the world would
we be rigged to hurt ourselves, unconsciously
feeling good about it, all the while suffering
consciously?

Does your head hurt yet?

I know mine is spinning.  It is so much easier
to not think about these things, which is why
I imagine that most just go about their lives,
never stopping to think.  Personally, I know
thinking can be crippling.  At the same time,
I also know that timeouts like the one I am
having tend to bring me things I never had
before - and probably would never have had
before - if it had not been for the timeout.

I now know with more certainty than I have
ever had that there is no way to know another's
experience.  There is no way to fully understand
where a person is.  While there may be
similarities, there is no way to fully appreciate
where a person is emotionally in regard to their
situation.

I have had a tendency in the past to try to
fix things for another.  I have wanted to share
things with another that would somehow be the
magic words that made everything all better for
them in their time of discomfort.

The problem is that there isn't any magic.
There isn't any one thing that will fix
everything and make it better.  Even worse,
it seems to me, are the words designed to
fix things that don't, and can't.

I wish I could apologize to any person that I
ever said something to in the effort to be
helpful, that missed the mark.  I suspect
going forward I will be careful not to try
to fix anything or make it better.  I suspect
I will listen more, and offer less.  And when
I do offer something it will be because the
person asked, and not because I thought it
was what they needed/needed to hear.  Who am
I to think I know what that is?

I say this now.  I wonder how it will be
6 months from now.  That is the real teller.
Human beings also seem to have short memories,
and I am all too human sometimes.

At the same time, what I am saying is so
clear to me.  It is also clear to me that
what I am saying is what *I* need, and
perhaps another person would need something
different.  I would have to hope that if I
was truly listening, I would know what to do.

I have wanted to plan things, and know what
was going to happen in my life.  Funny thing
about plans, they often don't work out the
way you think they should.

Maybe it is a sign to take things one step
at a time, and improvise as you go.  And
maybe even though I am writing all of this
with it in mind that someone else may be
reading it, maybe I am just talking to myself.

Maybe it is a way to let me know that whatever
I am doing, it is OK.  Maybe there is nothing
to fix.  Maybe there is nothing wrong.  Maybe
the discomfort sucks, but it is just fine -
for now.

Maybe if this is the way it is, then this is
the way it needs to be so that it opens the
way to what is next.

And to all of that I say,
Maybe.