How much say...?

Do you believe that you can create your world?

I know several people who have beliefs that are
to that effect.  Many will charge you to show you
how you can create your world.  The only problem
seems to be the fact that many who do pay, and
do partake, wind up in a place that isn't the one
they were told they would be.

Why is that?

Some may "blame" human lethargy.  One might
blame the unconscious that seeks the familiar.
Even if the "other" place is enticing, the familiar
has a very strong pull.

I have wondered from time to time about what
it is that has some people have a life that is so
different than those that they may try to help.
I have wondered why a "sure thing," a "no
brainer," would falter for one and be so successful
for another.

There are all kinds of ways to explain it, depending
on the person and what - if anything - they are
trying to prove/support.  And yet, there doesn't
seem to be an absolute answer to be found anywhere.

Of course that doesn't mean that there aren't some
who believe they have THE absolute answer.   But
if it was really absolute, why is there such a range
of human experience?

I once heard something to the effect that every
disease could be healed, but not every person.
While that may seem to be a callous thing to
say, I think I get why it is said.  Every person has
a different experience of life.  It might be a part
of a person's experience to have an illness.  It
might also be a part of a person's experience to
recover from it, and maybe even share their
experience with others having their own
experiences.

There doesn't seem to be a one sized fits all
approach.  Someone in the hospital told me that
the difference in each person's situation with
cancer is the person itself.  She said it was
difficult to say exactly what could/would happen,
as there is no way to tell what would happen
when cancer met up with a person.

If you think about it, there is so much about
life we do not know or understand.  And yet...
we strive to find ways to explain things in
a practical way.  If there is no "proof" then
for many it can't be true.  But then what
defines "proof"?

When I first heard about the idea of creating
what I want, I went online and found a picture
of a car I wanted.  I hung it on the wall.  At
some point I moved, and I am pretty sure I
looked at the picture, shook my head, crumbled
it, and threw it away.

I wish I had kept it.

The reason I wish I had kept it was because I
think I wound up getting that car a few years
later.  It was a used car, and I think it may have
been the model that I couldn't afford new when
I first found it.

Is that "proof" that I can get what I want?

I could say it is.  At the same time, there have
been a number of things over the years that
I have desired that have NOT come to pass.

Of course some would say I didn't do "it"
right.  Whatever "it" is, and however "right" is.

I have also heard "desire is prayer."

Well...if these things are true, why are there
people like me walking around without the
fulfillment of their desires?  Why is it that
many don't get what they want?

Some would say it is because something
better will come along.  Maybe.  That seems
to have happened to me a time, or two.

At the same time, I am left wondering more
often than not what is missing in our
understanding of how life works.  It is
all too easy to say we falter or fail.  What
if what seems to be failure isn't failure at all?

I realize that makes things even stickier.
Who wants the situations that appear to
be less than desirable?

Certainly not myself.

But maybe that is where life is lived.  Maybe
we live in the parts of life that rub us the
"wrong" way.  Maybe it is like the grain
of sand that irritates the oyster.  Of course,
that is me just trying to put a positive spin
on it.

Funny how important that seems to be.

What if life just sometimes sucks?  What
if it is sometimes sad? dark? desolate?
Is there something WRONG with that?

Is there something wrong with having
many flavors of ice cream?  Does one
flavor invalidate another?

I am finding myself with layers of fear
in my body.  I am not always aware of
them.  They come out when they feel
like it.  It just suddenly hits me out of
no where.

I suspect the appearance of fear is a
good thing, as it is otherwise still
inside me - acknowledged, or not.

I also suspect that acknowledged,
or not, it still affects me, and perhaps
unacknowledged consciously it has
even a greater effect.

I wonder how much of what I feel
has to do with the societal training
I have had.  Society has much to
say about what it thinks about cancer,
chemo, dying.

I also wonder if that is the only place
that I truly have any say about what
happens with me:  my mind and
my thoughts.

Maybe how our life is has nothing to
do with what we do, or what we say
we want.  Maybe the exterior things
are more signposts at best - or
distractions, at worst.

Maybe success isn't in how life looks
on the outside, but how we feel on
the inside.  Of course I realize that
there is an outside that we have to
interact with...but I can't help but
wonder how much of what we believe
about life and success and sickness
and death does anything but
empower us...which can ultimately
affect how the outside is experienced.

I have wondered things like this for
a while, and find my wonderings even
more acute with the diagnosis.  I
suppose many will go on explorations
like this in times like this.  I suppose
it is that inevitable need to have some
understanding, and hopefully some
peace.

I would love some answers.  But I 
get the impression that the only
answers that carry any weight will be
the ones I give weight to.