There are things that are good about the place that
I am going to, and there are things that to me would
make so much more sense if done another way.
There were things I learned yesterday in the process
of the process of chemo that I wish I had known
previously. I guess for many people it doesn't really
matter when (or if) they find these things out, but
given that I designed a hypnotic recording to listen
to, there are things I wish I knew.
The biggest thing was that they were going to give
me something that apparently makes one sleepy.
Sleepy isn't so bad, but if sleepy means going to
sleep, I will not hear the recording that I designed.
The nurse tells me that - as I know - my unconscious
will hear it, even if I am sleeping. That is not true.
Think about it: you could say a lot while a person
slept, but it wouldn't affect them. There are lighter
stages of what would seem to be sleep that are
actually hypnotic states, and if you were to catch
a person in one of them, then there would be the
effect that you might want. However if someone
is truly asleep, then the message is likely lost.
The "as I know" part above is what the nurse said
to me. As you can tell from what followed, it is
not what "I know." However it didn't seem to me
to be something that I needed to take up with her
at the moment - especially since I had no choice
in the matter.
As it turned out I either went really deep, or I
did fall asleep. I suspect I went really deep
because of how I suddenly awakened. If that
is the case, I welcome it. The deeper I am, the
more likely the suggestions are to implant
themselves.
I was also encouraged to get a "port." I didn't
realize why many people get one, until yesterday.
At the moment I feel strongly that I don't want
one, but I also felt the same way about chemo,
and I am now doing it. Depending on what
happens, I also may not have a choice.
Quite frankly, I am hoping my current recording,
and a new one I am going to make will help me
not have to get one. I am resistant for a few
reasons, one of which is that I would have to be
put under anesthesia to get one, and then anesthesia
to have it removed. Another reason - it just doesn't
feel right.
I also - in the midst of tears of overwhelm - was
told by a Naturopath a few things about the
chemotherapies they are using. She told me
about how they are "natural." I am not certain
that it allayed my concerns, given questions I
have about how we take things from the earth
and say they are OK because they are from the
earth. Look at the bombs we have created.
However, putting that aside, I think my
conversation with myself about chemo being
a friend of mine is actually more helpful. It
doesn't matter where it comes from, I know
I need to put aside the fact that it is considered
poison by some. Even if others want to believe
it, it doesn't do ME any good to have that same
belief in the midst of utilizing it.
After the chemo last night I was kinda out of it,
and also on edge. Not in the best place. Also
tired. I woke up this morning in a hotel, wishing
I was in my own bed, and for a moment more than
once I thought I was. It was as though nothing
different had happened.
They told me that the steroids (among other things)
(steroids? no one mentioned anything about them
before *sigh*) would likely have me feeling really
good and energized, and I did. I felt that way so
much that I even went grocery shopping on the way
back home. (I read instructions after I got home
that said I should stay away from crowds for 48
hours after chemo. Oh well.)
I got home around 3, and the longer I have been
home, the more tired I feel. I want to ignore it,
though. I want everything to be OK/normal, which
is kinda funny because I don't have a clue what that
is at the moment.
I was told that other things "could" happen, and was
given a prescription for a medication for nausea that
I found out costs OVER $500. Well, that ain't gonna
happen. I called them and told them that I needed
something different, as I do not have any prescription
coverage.
They found something else which I need to find out
the cost of, but in the meantime checked online for
side effects, and there are some really bad ones.
So then I went looking for things that I can do for
nausea more naturally. Of course I am hoping that
it will be an effect that has nothing to do with me.
There were other things, too. I am not sure what the
next week will bring. The doctors were surprised that
I didn't take any pain medication after I left the hospital.
I have had discomfort, but I had it before I had my
surgery, too. I have never been one to want to take
medications. It seems doctors don't understand that.
What I don't understand is why take something if I
can be OK without. Why be so quick to numb the
pain, especially if there are potential side effects that
can come as a result?
Since the surgery I have also had issues with eating
and my stomach. Given what I have been through,
apparently it is no surprise. It is also something that
will take its time rectifying, apparently. It was
mentioned to me that it is possible that other patients
have the possibility for the same discomfort, except
that it is practically unheard of for many not to take
pain medicine, and that likely blocks any discomfort
they may have in eating.
Quite humorously one person who took my stats,
including my weight, came back to weigh me a second
time because my weight varied so much from last time.
I had mentioned that I had lost 30 pounds, but I guess
it was somehow unbelievable when faced with the
numbers.
I wish I knew what was going to happen next. I know
what I want: to go back next week stronger than ever,
without there being any signs of a side effect of any kind,
and to have my blood work not even showing any signs
of chemo having taken place.
That is my desire. It is what I am working toward. If you
are reading this, I would appreciate your cosmic few cents
and support. The more energy that goes into a desire, the
more likely it is to become a reality.
One last thing: this blog is mostly for me to chronicle things,
and to just get things out of my system. However, I wouldn't
mind if it was in some way helpful to someone who might
stumble upon it. If you have anything you would like to know
or hear more about, please feel free to leave it in the comments,
or write to me directly.
Have a wonderful 4th!
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